Can’t win for winning: Apple doom coming any day

Apple's quarterly results are never good enough to save it from its impending doom.

Macalope

Apple reported record-breaking results again and its precipitous slide to doom could not be any more imminent.

“Apple’s best days are behind it, says top analyst” (Tip o’ the antlers to @BradSkid.)

Just hours before Apple is set to report quarterly earnings, one top Internet analyst said the tech company’s best days are behind it.

That’s great timing if you want to get on the news, not so good timing if you want to be accurate.

“Ehhh, I don’t have all the facts but I’m pretty sure I know what I’m twerking about. … Talking. I meant to say ‘talking’. What did I say?”

“The fear is that Apple is entering growth purgatory,” senior analyst Toni Sacconaghi of Sanford C. Bernstein said Tuesday on CNBC’s Halftime Report.

This is the fear we’ve had for almost 15 years and we’re sticking to our guns. It’s gotta be right eventually!

Sacconaghi got a question in during Apple’s quarterly conference call that more gently suggested the same thing. Cook’s reply?

I recognize that people can have their own models and so forth, but just to make it clear that I’m not agreeing with your point.

That’s CEO speak for “Don’t make me fly out there and literally give you a wedgie because I have my own plane and also a pair of gloves I use specifically for this purpose.”

Though he still believes the company will be a “moderate grower,” Sacconaghi told CNBC that Wall Street has already factored Apple’s decline into its math.

Apparently not everyone got Sacconaghi’s memo:

”Wall Street seems happy with Apple’s results, guidance”

Read the writing on the wall in the Sanford C. Bernstein men’s room, people.

“I think its best days are behind it,” Sacconaghi said. “The Street is discounting that Apple’s free cash flow will decline in perpetuity.”

It wasn’t exactly free cash flow. They did have to work for it.

The thing the Macalope doesn’t understand is that while people so repeatedly point out that Android has all the market share, they also seem to think there’s no place for the iPhone to go. These things are not immutable. But no matter how many times Tim Cook points out the switcher number or their incredible growth rates in emerging markets, they’re like “Tim, please! You’re only embarrassing yourself!” The Mac’s ability to grow shipments while the rest of PC market prematurely faces the slow heat death of the universe only falls on their deaf ears.

No, you’re right. Wall Street not getting Apple isn’t news.

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