Distrusted commentary: You can’t un-burn a bridge

Macalope

The Macalope always thought he got British satire — The Argument Sketch, The Office, the Tony Blair administration — but he’s not sure he gets this one from Britain’s The Guardian.

“Apple spins impressive narrative of success, but are there holes in the story?” (Tip o’ the antlers to Michael Valkenberg)

Now, see if you can guess who wrote this particular column.

No. Nope. Also wrong. OK, the Macalope will just tell you because you would probably not guess that this person would be allowed by a purportedly respectable publication to write about Apple, let alone be allowed by quantum physics to write about the company in any other way than ironically without summarily being shot out of our universe like a watermelon seed.

Mike Daisey.

Wait, you say, the guy who made up a bunch of crap about Apple was given a platform on which to talk about Apple? Yes! He was.

Please note that you will violate the warranty of your device if you repeatedly strike matches and hold them to the screen in a vain effort to burn the entire Internet to the ground.

Like clockwork Apple announced their quarterly results on Tuesday…

Announcing quarterly results every quarter is just part of Apple’s master deception.

Take it from a man who minored in deception. (Major: Self-promotion.)

…and Tim Cook spun out his narrative of Apple’s ever-increasing, ever-impressive numbers.

Like a spider. Tim Cook is a spider. A giant, lying spider.

One thing is for sure, it is certainly unscrupulous that a CEO would seek to portray his company in the best possible light.

What if instead of standing on the precipice of ever larger successes, we are instead standing at Peak Apple right now? And might that actually be a good thing?

For Mike Daisey.

Oh, sorry, who did you think this was about?

The numbers this quarter look great, but the number of iPhones sold actually fell short of the street’s projections.

Certainly Apple falling short of Wall Street’s expectations has never happened before and should be very concerning.

Daisey portrays Apple missing Wall Street’s estimates as a recent development when, in fact, it’s been happening for years, at least since 2012.

Mike Daisey, making crap up? Shocking, the Macalope knows.

…it’s notable that services, such as the App Store and Apple Pay, made almost as much for Apple as selling Macs did this last quarter.

As Apple finds it more profitable to be a gatekeeper taking tolls than it does making Macs, it raises questions about what identity it will have going forward.

Ha, OK. So, Apple is resoundingly criticized for being a one-product company for making 63 percent of its revenue off the iPhone and Mike freakin’ Daisey wants you to think it’s becoming a gatekeeper company because it makes 10 percent of its revenue off of services. The horny one would say that Daisey’s reached into the bottom of his barrel but his barrel is all bottom.

Serious question for The Guardian: How much crap about a company does someone have to make up before you say “Eh, we should probably not invite that person to write about said company?” Just curious.

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