Dead again: Another Apple Watch killer

Macalope

The Macalope should have gotten that clicker app for the Apple Watch so he could keep track of the number of Apple Watch killers that have been run up the flag pole before people realized that they can’t wear them if they’re on the top of the flag pole.

Writing for the lovely people and robots and angry raccoons and SEO generation algorithms at Business Insider, Matthew DeBord warns that “The TAG Heuer Connected is the first smartwatch that Apple should be worried about.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody.)

And here the Macalope thought it was the Motorola 360 and the Swatch Whatever and the Dingus 900, you know, basically every watch that’s already been touted as an Apple Watch killer.

Well, it’s not like DeBord once said anything crazy like the iPhone 5 would fail and then doubled down on it. Onward!

Touché!

En garde! Au Bon Pain! Coup de foudre!

(Why are we yelling random phrases in French? In the lede?)

The Apple Watch was supposed to be a big threat to established Swiss watchmaking brands like TAG Heuer, whose sporty timepieces often serve as entry level luxury choices for people buying their first "real" watch.

And that didn’t pan out at all!

“Apple Takes a Bite Out of the Swiss Watch Industry”

“Swiss Watch Exports Fall Most in Six Years on Hong Kong Drop”

Competition from Apple Inc.’s smartwatch has also weighed on low-end brands of timepieces.

Now, correlation is not causation, so maybe the drop-off in Swiss watches was simply the one foretold in ancient Swiss prophecy, the one that presages the return of the Watch King. But at least it’s clear that it’s not business as usual in Swisstown USA which is to say the sovereign nation of Switzerland.

Not to worry! The TAG Heuer Connected not only has the snappiest name in smartwatches since the LG Watch Urbane, for a mere additional$1500, it gives you the ability to “upgrade” it later… to a mechanical watch.

You know, when this smartwatch fad has passed and we can all get back to our beloved dumb watches.

Why is it so good?

Why? Why all the goodness, TAG Heuer Connected? Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

When you get right down to it, smartwatches aren't quite ready for prime time.

All smart watches are good for is reinforcing how great we had it with mechanical watches!

…even the Apple Watch is basically just a watch without an iPhone to add to its functionality.

That looks like English but damned if the Macalope can parse what he’s driving at there. Besides, we don’t have time for that. We have to get to the money quote:

I haven't yet handled the TAG Heuer Connected…

But I’m pretty confident it’s a game-changing, Apple Watch-killing device. Seems fairly obvious and not at all controversial.

Critically, it isn't trying to avoid being a watch. …the TAG is built like a watch, with a lightweight titanium case and a rubber strap that comes in various different colors.

Unlike the Apple Watch.

Er…

You know what’s going to be big next year? Grandfather clocks.

So, now we’ve come to the part where the Macalope has to add his caveats so people don’t think he’s saying “THE APPLE WATCH IS THE MOST SUPREME DEVICE OF ALL TIME, ACCEPT NO OTHER DEVICES BEFORE IT.” He’s not saying that. He likes his but he doesn’t recommend it for everyone. It isn’t an iPhone-level product but, then, what is? The Watch is a fairly neat accessory that rounds out Apple’s product offering. While it’s not Apple’s best, it’s still the best in the realm of smartwatches it certainly isn’t going to be affected by a $1500 “crap, we’d better make a smartwatch” reaction watch from Ricolastan.

Switzerland is a lovely country, by the way. That’s why it’s so funny to make up angry names about it.

Like Yodelburg.

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