Short-term memory: Annual iPhone order slippage news

Apple has reportedly cut iPhone orders and all is lost.


It’s that time again! Yes, it’s December so it’s time for receiving annual gifts that no one wants: Fruit cakes, holiday sweaters and “news” that Apple has cut iPhone orders.

Writing for the goblin-infested warren of ancient dwarf mines that hides an unspeakable darkness (not a balrog, but a guy who writes about things like how surprisingly tolerable it is to fly economy class, which is demonstrably worse than a balrog) known as Business Insider, Matt Weinberger details the collapse.

“CREDIT SUISSE: Apple’s newest iPhone is underperforming, but a mini iPhone could save the day.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody.)

Apple is cutting orders for the components to build iPhones because of weak demand for the new iPhone 6s, according to a new report by Credit Suisse.

Right. OK. Sure.

Look, this is not exactly the first time this has happened. It happens around this time of year because Apple ramps up orders for launch in the fall and holiday season and then cuts back on orders for the post-holiday quarter. For some reason, this is shocking every year because analysts and Business Insider writers are like babies and do not remember things exist when they do not see them right in front of their eyes. Also, their heads might be soft. The Macalope has no direct knowledge of that but it seems likely.

But a potential miniature iPhone, rumored to be released early next year, could help boost iPhone sales, Credit Suisse says in the report.

Nobody buys big phones anymore. What everyone wants is little phones. What was Apple thinking making big phones? Who told them to do that?

You know, other than Business Insider, over and over again, relentlessly for like years.

What does it mean that there’s “weak demand” for the iPhone 6s?

[It’s] lower than what Wall Street has been expecting…

And Wall Street never gets anything wrong. Other than its estimates and when it gets its estimates wrong that’s Apple’s fault.

Good news, though!

But not all is lost, Credit Suisse says…

Not all is lost. Most is, of course, but not all of it. Some remains. Some small amount. Like maybe the iPod nano business or something. Do they still make iPod Socks?

People who have iPhones tend to keep them, and Apple’s new iPhone installment plan program will put it into the hands of more people than ever before.

Did that imaginary number analysts made up not take that into account? For every positive element about the iPhone you can see, there are probably any number more that Apple’s working on that you can’t see. “Missing” analyst’s estimates is about as meaningful to the iPhone’s performance as missing an episode of Gotham. Just wait another week, there’ll be more weird and nonsensical stuff to absorb your attention.

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