Shaken, not stirred: Apple’s stock performance is average

Sure, Apple's usually better than average, but context is still important.


Breaking news: Apple’s stock is not—repeat: NOT—performing according to the fan fiction version of Apple’s stock performance.

Writing for The Sydney Morning Herald, Hannah Francis says “Gravity shakes Apple to the core.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @_HairForceOne.)

Get it? Apple? Core?

“And thou shalt know of me by the seeing of what I hath done there.” —Probably not Leviticus 10.

Of course, Francis is actually talking about AAPL, not Apple. Yes, AAPL the stock has erased all its gains of the year, that is true. Exactly like the Dow Jones Industrial Average has. The context of the broader market movement is apparently not relevant, though, since it was mentioned nowhere in this piece. What is apparently important to know, since it is mentioned, is that Steve Jobs, “the driving entrepreneur and inventor behind the brand,” died in 2011.

In this regard, stock analysis is quite like astrology, which focuses on the effect of the planets on your birth when the gravitational attraction of the attending obstetrician is actually greater due to proximity (tip o' the antlers to Matt Killmon for the link). AAPL, it is insinuated by market astrologists, is down over the last six months because Steve Jobs died in 2011. Meanwhile, the market scientists, holding a graph of the DJIA over the same period, want to scream but they have no mouths.

On Friday, Apple’s stock closed down another 2.7 percent, bringing it to 21 percent below its July peak, meaning the $US160 billion fall in value—$AU223 billion—has been wiped from the value of the company in six months.

A value which had been only been gained in the previous six months. So AAPL is as bad off as it was a year ago at this time. When it was worthless or something. The Macalope’s not really sure, he just knows you’re only supposed to judge a stock based on its high water mark and then say that all that money was lost, like your belongings in a fire, a polar bear in a blizzard, or your sense of joy in life after an elevator ride with Morrissey.

“Iiiiii wanted the thiiiiird floor but Iiiiii for-got to push iiit!”

“Ugh, just get out and walk down one, Morrissey, oh my god, why?”

Analysts say the stock is now in bear market territory, with pressure mounting for the company to come up with an innovative product that can wow investors like its iPod and iPhone once did.

Just do it! It’s easy! Take the one thing and jam it into the other thing. Then put some software in it. Bake at 350 for 30 minutes, spoon over pasta twists. Serves 50 million.

iPhones accounted for 69 percent of Apple’s total revenue in the June quarter, and 63 percent in the September quarter. But the global smartphone market is stagnating and the company’s failure to diversify its product base could spell decline in growth in coming months.

The percentage of revenue Apple gets from the iPhone dropped 6 percent while overall revenue grew 6 percent. Now, maybe that’s not as much as you’d like to see, but if you’re concerned about the company’s dependence on the iPhone, that’s a positive trend.

Its first smartwatch, the Apple Watch, failed to take off.

By which we mean that Apple didn’t instantly sell as many Watches as it does iPhones. Forget the fact that the Watch launch was one of Apple’s best ever. And certainly do not mention the fact that the Watch is expected to have a strong holiday buying season. Instead, let’s move on to a peripheral that looks funny!

A recently released “smart battery case” which extends the iPhone 6s’s battery life was widely ridiculed.

And we know that all devices that are “widely ridiculed” end up failing.

Apple’s share price falls come amid an executive shake-up at the company, which named long-time executive Jeff Williams as its chief operating officer–a role once held by current chief executive Tim Cook.

Now, usually you think an “executive shake-up” is when someone gets shown to the well-chamfered door with a cardboard box full of their well-chamfered belongings (the cardboard of the box is also well-chamfered). However, let the Macalope assure you that what Apple recently did is a “shake-up” in that several executives were moved “up” in responsibility.

“We shook the executives… and some ended up higher than they were before.”

Look, if you don’t use the word “shake” somewhere the headline doesn’t make any sense. Truth be told, it still doesn’t make any sense, but at least not thematically.


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