The Eeyore testing principle: It’ll never work

Macalope

It’s gonna be a long nine months until the iPhone 7 comes out and we see what’s up with the audio situation. In the meantime, please enjoy some pointless speculation.

Writing for the fine people and editors and ad sales people and blood-soaked were-beasts and aliens from They Live! over at Business Insider, Antonio Villas-Boas suggests “This is what it'll be like using headphones when Apple kills the headphone jack.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Brian.)

Which, let’s face it, is a pretty neat trick considering no one has any idea what the iPhone 7 will look like or what headphones will come with it. Seems like it’s almost an impossible trick. Surely, however, we will be pleasantly surprised by the care and rigor with which OW, THE MACALOPE PULLED HIS SARCASM MUSCLE.

You might have heard by now that Apple is probably ditching the headphone jack on the next iPhone.

Have you signed the online petition protesting the thing Apple is rumored to be doing but about which we have no idea how it will work? Oh, you should.

Indeed, my colleague Tim Stenovec just got a nice pair of expensive Bose noise-canceling earphones for Christmas, but they'll probably become obsolete when he buys the next iPhone. He's not happy about it, and might return his cherished new earphones.

Not his iPhone?

In order to see what fresh hell it will be to own an iPhone 7, Villas-Boas did not use an iPhone 7 because that would be impossible since they don’t exist yet. But, still, we must know what this ring of hell looks like and the one way to know for sure is to use a collection of devices that are not the actual devices you would be using. Now, for completeness, the Macalope would have suggested trying to use them with oven mitts on, but it isn’t clear whether or not Villas-Boas did that. Still, it does come off as the clumsiest late-night “There has to be a better way!” before sequence since, well, Apple’s using-a-credit-card demo for Apple Pay.

So, what would it be like if Apple ditched the headphone jack and customers were forced to buy Lightning-enabled headphones? I used a pair of Philips Fidelio M2L headphones with a Lightning connector for a week to find out.

Forget the fact that some rumors have Apple shipping their own Bluetooth headphones. No, really, completely forget that fact, because Villas-Boas doesn’t run that scenario at all.

He chooses to carry around his 3.5 mm jack headphones as well as the Lightning ones, just in case he encountered any devices with a mini jack he wanted to use, and then writes this:

The first problem right off the bat: I was carrying around two pairs of earphones instead of one.

Ugh, lugging around all this hay in the back of my car in case I run into a horse I need to feed is so inconvenient!

You know what? This is dumb. What are we even doing? Instead of writing about what a useless exercise this is, maybe what we should be doing is linking to more valuable content on Business Insider in order to reward them. Accentuate the positive, rather than tearing down the negative! That’s a splendid idea. Hmm, let’s see…

Ah, here’s something! In the sidebar to this article under “Watch & Learn” there’s this:

“How to make pizza grilled cheese”

Mmm, now that’s good content.

Just a reminder, the name of this site is BusinessInsider. This is apparently the secret that big pizza grilled cheese doesn’t want you to know. Regardless, it’s better than their Apple coverage.

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