Overdoing it: All Apple criticism has to be over-the-top

Even good criticism has to be amped up.

Macalope

Welcome to the world of tech writing where the motto is “Go big or go home or just light something on fire and dump it onto the Information Superhighway before speeding off in your car and never looking back.”

Writing for TechnoBuffalo (which is a tech site and not an over-achieving bovine), Brandon Russell asks “What happened to Apple’s “pro” devices – Has Apple lost the magic?” (Tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody.)

Despite products like the Apple Watch, MacBook, and iPad Pro, 2015 could be considered an “off” year for Apple.

Don’t you mean “other than” instead of “despite”?

“If you throw out everything new they announced, it’s like they didn’t announce anything at all.”

The article is just accompaniment to a video about Apple’s professional products. Unlike the article pushing it, the complaints in the video by Ron Parida are, for the most part, pretty reasonable. While some of the complaints are nits (such as the naming of the iPad Pro), Apple has become more consumer-centric over the past 10-15 years. It’s worked out very well for them, but if you’re a video production professional like Parida, the Macalope can see why you might be asking, “What have you done for me lately?”

(And let the Macalope just point out here that he just agreed with some criticism of Apple, because some people would have you believe that never happens.)

Alas, all reasonable criticisms of Apple have to be wrapped in a thick coating of blazzfrozzle and deep fried in ARRROOOOOGAH! before served with a side of wangdoodle.

Even introductions of 3D Touch and Live Photos couldn’t hide the Cupertino company’s increasingly apparent hardware and software deficiencies.

Because that’s why Apple releases new technologies, to hide the flaws in other technologies. For example, the whole iPod line was only thought up to provide cover for a FireWire data loss bug. True story.

Remember how Apple said you should charge the Pencil?

Yes! Turns out it’s actually a really good idea! Because instead of lugging yet another charging doohickey around you can… You know, why does the Macalope bother? Once a writer has engaged their RAGE LOCK key, rational arguments are no longer applicable.

Or how useless iOS 9’s proactive screen is?

It is without use! There are no uses for it! That is how useless.

As the company continues to fight for growth among mounting competition…

Competition against Apple is ever mounting and poor little Apple can do nothing but sit doe-eyed in the middle of traffic like a kitten in a basket. The same company must also be compared to Nazi stormtroopers when it makes a small change to iTunes end-user licensing agreements. This is just Tech Journalism 101.

…Apple has begun to ignore the users that helped make it what is it today.

Like HyperCard users and Newton users.

Rather than address these issues, Apple tries to mask its weaknesses with shiny metal and fancy marketing.

Apple’s nothing but marketing! They don’t even actually sell devices and software! You’ve just been staring at your palm this whole time and you didn’t even realize it!

There is never an acknowledgement from Apple’s top brass that its products need to be improved…

Other than, you know, the times they acknowledged a product needed to be improved.

Apple has achieved phenomenal success over the past few years…

If by “few” you mean decade and a half.

It’s a shame we can’t just have the reasonable complaints about Apple without the crackpot dressing sites pour all over it. Alas, this is the world we live in.

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