Raising the Apple Car: Who should do it?

Who knows better, Apple or Detroit?


Hey, kids! Who likes car puns?!

That’s right! No one!

For the second time this week, Matthew DeBord is back writing for the lovely people and social media buttons and gelatinous cubes and that one weird thing that no one can figure out what it is—is it a mer-man or some sort of mutated porpoise?—at Business Insider.

“We shouldn’t be surprised that Apple may be hitting a roadblock with its car project.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody.)

Is Apple asleep at the wheel?! It’s not like this project is gonna run on cruise control!

Please shoot the Macalope now before the puns take over completely.

Reports are surfacing that Apple isn’t happy with the progress being made on the secretive Apple Car—code-named “Project Titan”—and that the executive in charge of the effort has left the tech giant.


DeBord embeds a link in there to a Business Insider report summarizing this report on Apple Insider. God forbid you link to the original report and lead someone outside your honey trap. Just know that it’s Insiders all the way down.

So, “reportedly” this one dude has left. Sell your shares or something.

I don’t think we should be surprised that the Apple Car is in trouble…

DeBord describes this as “trouble” but then goes on to tell us why this one executive doesn’t appear to have been good at his job. The Macalope wonders how, exactly, Apple was supposed to win this scenario but he doesn’t want to peer into the unending carnival of DeBord’s soul lest he be driven insane.

…if in fact it is—these are just reports, after all, and the real story could be something different.

None of this may be true, now please read these 1300 words on the subject.

The whole way Apple has gone about developing its foray into mobility has been, in a word, weird.

Writes man who knows next to nothing about how Apple has gone about developing its foray into mobility.

DeBord’s major complaint about this project he knows so much about is that Apple hasn’t made any high-profile hires to run it. But then says:

I have the sneaking sense that Apple is really interested in making manageable hires in the auto-industry space…

Look, Matthew, if you’re going to deflate your own arguments then the Macalope is just going to go back to playing Pac-Man 256.

Is it electric?

Will it blend?

One extremely difficult call on that front would be to inform Apple that electric cars aren’t actually gaining much ground with consumers, Tesla notwithstanding.

Other than the highly successful one that is a media darling and everyone talks about, no one is very excited about electric cars.

And what’s so bad about skating to where the puck is instead of where it’s going, anyway?! If the combustion engine was good enough for our forefathers then it’s good enough for [cough gag wheeze] us, I say!

Would you buy a diesel Apple Car?

Well, the Macalope shouldn’t but he once bought a Quadra 610 with a Windows card in it so… maybe?

Apple’s legendary secretiveness is an asset here.

This article notwithstanding.

The globe’s automakers do a fairly good job of providing abundant choice…

Today’s horseless carriages come in many colors! Surely that is enough for anyone.

…Apple hasn’t made the moves so far with the project that would fill anyone with confidence that the Apple Car will be a huge success.

The horny one wonders how many high-level executives Apple poached from Nokia and BlackBerry before making the iPhone. He can almost hear a 2006-era DeBord bemoaning “Only by hiring Mike Lazaridis to run the project can Apple make a good smartphone!” To paraphrase that bounty hunter in Raising Arizona, “If you want the status quo, hire a high-level industry executive. If you want to disrupt something, do it yourself.”

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