The wrong side of right: Decrying Apple’s security stance

Apple has to be doing something wrong because that's all Apple could possibly do.


Now is your moment, people who have perpetually nay-said Apple! The company is in the news! Uh, yeah, they’re in the news for doing the right thing but, c’mon, you’re not going to let a little thing that stop ya, right?


“Apple, Deere and Caterpillar: Doug Kass’ Views.” (Tip o’ the antlers to ghibby!.)

Forget the fact that Apple is literally acting in the interests of not only its customers but everyone. Just use this as another opportunity to drag out the tired, debunked laundry list of Apple complaints and recite them. That’s always been the game plan so why change things up now?

…before anyone makes too much of this principled stand, remember that like Ty Cobb, Apple usually plays dirty…

Yes, Apple is just like that baseball player with a history of violence and racism. Well said.

AAPL [sic] dodges taxes every which way possible…

All within the law, but it’s fine to throw shade like this because all the other companies Kass invests in—as well as Kass himself—obviously pay more than they owe in taxes. Good for him to stand on principle.

Apple claims to support higher U.S. wages and the ethical treatment of workers, but allegedly uses Chinese sweatshop labor…

Unlike the other smartphone makers whose devices are made in fair trade, sustainable, and organic artisanal elven crafting workshops, down by the Withiwindle River where the gnomes scamper merrily through the toadstools.

The toadstools are reported to have hallucinogenic properties and the gnomes are as high as kites. Much like Kass.

The company scrapes Lord knows what kind of private usage information off of customers’ products.

Utter fabrication. Apple has repeatedly said they simply do not care about tracking their customers because that’s not their business model. Kass knows this is a noted Apple advantage over Google et al so he just makes something up to try to deflate it.

Apple routinely screws consumers by forcing new proprietary upgrades on their accessories.

Apple screws customers by providing product upgrades with new features. Can you believe that Lightning cable fiasco? Thank god this Android phone is chargeable by the universally standard mini USB connector! Or is this micro USB? USB 3 is the weird one. Wait, maybe this is USB-C…

AAPL [sic] generally charges through the nose for its products. Because it can.

Yeah, and why can it? Because it makes better products that hold their resale value longer. It has long since become a cliché to say that 1996 called and wants its talking points back. It is also an impossibility, as years cannot use phones because years are concepts, not physical entities.

And, yet, somehow the phone is ringing and the caller ID says “1996.”

Yet now, we’re supposed to believe that Apple wants to stand up for the little guy?

Technically, Apple is standing up for its customers, but this case does have broad implications. Does this dovetail with Apple’s business model? Sure. They are very interested in privacy rights and that’s one of the ways they market their products. None of these things are contradictory. Unless you have to make them contradictory because of some preconceived notions about the company and that’s totally what you’re doing literally right now.

Even if the tech giant does have a point in this case…

Even if Apple’s right, I still hate Apple!

We got it already. Like, two years ago. To sum up here, Kass thinks Apple’s done the right thing, but he’s still going to criticize them because his belief system allows for no other response.

From my perch…

…on ARRRGH Peak overlooking Blazzlefrozzle Gorge…

…AAPL’s “defense of the public” is hypocritical…

Because they charge more for their products—although you get more utility from them and can sell them for more later—and they made people buy Lightning cables, even though they’re demonstrably better than the previous cables.

Look, let’s be clear about this, if Apple had rolled over for the FBI and delivered them a golden skeleton key that unlocked every iPhone, Kass would be writing a piece about how this just proves his point about Apple wanting to screw people. He has said as much by admitting they’re doing the right thing. There is no way for Apple to win in this situation in Kass’s view.

Position: Short AAPL

Oh. So, you’d benefit by AAPL going down.

And you just wrote a post about Apple being hypocritical.


See, it’s just that…

Never mind.

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