Simple answers: They’re for simple people

Who would you replace Tim Cook with?

Macalope

Are you in the Tim Cook replacement pool yet? Better hurry, all the good replacements are getting taken. While Apple’s quarter can only be described as bad for one company—Apple—the question is (somehow) not whether or not Tim Cook should be replaced, but simply who should replace him.

Writing for The Washington Post, Vivek Wadhwa explains “Why Tesla is the spark that Apple needs.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Paul Salzman.)

See, Apple’s earnings announcement was “dismal” and “it badly needs to rethink its innovation model and leadership,” ergo Musk. That’s pretty much the depth of the thinking there.

In the same period that Apple released the iPhone and successors, Musk developed two generations of world-changing electric vehicles…

Everyone drives Teslas now. That much is certainly true.

Well, OK, not everyone. But Wadwha has one! And that’s what really matters.

I have likened my Tesla Model S to a spaceship that travels on land.

I have also likened dogs to cats that bark.

How does one get a gig at the Post writing fan mail about products that are laughably too expensive for 95 to 99 percent of the world? Seems like that would be pretty sweet. The Macalope likes Fabergé eggs. Maybe he could write about those.

I consider it to be better than any Apple product—because it is more complex, elegant, and better designed than anything that Apple offers.

Ah, so that extra $62,000 really gets you something, huh? Fascinating.

Would you also be surprised to learn that Wadwha has met and interviewed Elon Musk? It’s a small world! If you travel in first class!

This kind of simplistic math, Apple + Musk - Cook = AWESOME, is as satisfying to the human brain as astrology. It’s also as wrong. Still, as clearly taken from the brown paper cover of Wadwha’s social studies book (with all the hearts and arrows) as it is, it looks like genius compared to Trip Chowdhry’s Cook replacement strategy, ably described by Investor Place’s John Divine.

Under Supreme Leader Chowdhry, Jonathan Rubinstein would assume Cook’s CEO title, while Fred Anderson—who served as AAPL CFO during the early days of the Steve Jobs-led turnaround—would return as Chief Financial Officer.

With all due respect, Chowdhry’s note and suggestions are utterly idiotic.

That is literally the correct amount of respect due Chowdry’s Apple analysis. Rubinstein’s probably way smarter than this furry poker of absurd analysis, but post-Apple his greatest accomplishment was letting HP kill a perfectly fine operating system. Bra-vo.

Remember, we noted up front that Apple’s quarterly results are only “dismal” for Apple. Any other company—like, say, the companies that Musk or Rubinstein have run—could only dream of results like that. Bringing in an outside CEO now would be like tearing down your house because you’re tired of the color.

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