OK, we know that Apple completely reinvented the smartphone and set off a computing revolution not seen since the advent of the desktop computer, but what have they done for us lately?
Writing for Bloomberg New, Brooke Sample says “Once-diehard fans fear iPhone has lost its magic.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Jack Broyles, Jr.)
Is it just the iPhone? Is it? Probably not, right? Yeah, it’s not.
I have an iConfession
Is it about how you rely on hackneyed Apple gags to bang out columns?
I hate my iPhone.
Oh? Then here’s a question: Why do you have one? Why would you do that to yourself? Smartphones are expensive! You should buy another phone that’s better that you might like more, oh, guess, what, we’re going to learn that that’s not an option because the iPhone is still the best phone and, really, we’re just here to complain for the sake of complaining.
Sample turns to Bloomberg’s Shira Ovide for help getting this bonfire goin’.
Brooke: Maybe I’m just so accustomed to quantum leaps in iPhone development that disappointment is inevitable. Remember your first iPhone? I sure do.
Translation: I am not a complete amnesiac. I can remember events that happened fewer than 10 years ago. I have come to expect generation-changing events, like, 27 times in a generation. And if I don’t get that I have to write a column about how mad I am about it. But that’s a completely different problem.
She is right that the first iPhone was a quantum leap in iPhones. You can’t even do the math on it because it’s impossible to take a percentage of zero iPhones! That’s how you know it’s “quantum”. Ask any physicist.
Brooke: Let’s talk about Apple Music. I barely remember downloading it, but there it was under Subscriptions…
While I can remember events from years ago, I do have some short-term memory loss. Let me be clear, I am not fully responsible for my actions. Such as subscribing to online services. It is shameful that Apple would take advantage of me so.
Shira: … Apple gave nearly anyone with an iPhone three free months to try out Apple Music — with a catch: If you neglected to turn off the subscription when your free trial ended, Apple charged the credit card it has on file.
OMG APPLE INVENTED SOME KIND OF ONLINE CREDIT CARD SCRAPING SCAM THAT every other company in the world uses.
…Apple hasn’t said how many of the people paying for Apple Music are like you — “subscribers” who don’t even know they’re subscribers.
How, exactly, would Apple know that they are giant babies who are incapable of making informed, consented and rational decisions? Apparently they are old enough to have credit cards but are not old enough to handle subscription services. The Macalope hopes they don’t accidentally run across MacKeeper while online. They wouldn’t stand a chance. Sample apparently doesn’t get the monthly emails the Macalope gets telling him he’s being charged again for Apple Music.
“I turned off purchase notifications and now I’m not getting notified about my purchases anymore!”
Brooke: OK, OK — all of this is infuriating, but let’s be honest: I do love having a camera in my phone.
Yes. It is great. This camera in a phone thing might really take off some day.
Shira: No one knows what the “cloud” means. This is the tech industry’s fault for using the term to mean anything at all, and nothing.
The cloud is an illusion, man. Life is an illusion. Coo coo. Coo coo.
Are you gonna eat that box of Cap’n Crunch?
There’s a lot of perfectly fine complaining in this piece. If you have a buggy experience with your iPhone, you have every right to complain about it. Complaining about legitimate problems, however, is obviously not enough if you want your piece to stand out in a field literally covered with burning, hyperbole-charged fainting couches.