Not-so-fine whine: Apple’s upgrade cycle

Macalope

Are you ready for the horror that is the annual rollout of Apple products?

Writing for Thrillist, Jeremy Glass explains “Why I’m sick of Apple upgrades.” (Tip o’ the antlers to David Gorski.)

From the get-go, Apple turned me into an outsider.

How? By offering new products every year.

All we can do is be thankful previous generations died of things like influenza and polio and cutting themselves shaving so they didn’t live long enough to have to endure this terrible burden. #blessed

Starting in 2001, a new iPod was released almost every single year

[rends garments, yells at the sky] WHY ME, OH, LORD?!

Apple is, of course, roundly criticized if it ever misses an upgrade cycle for any reason — a new Android phone come out every fifteen minutes! — so it makes sense that it would also be criticized for not missing an upgrade cycle.

But at $300-$600 a pop, I never saved up enough to buy one and felt pretty uncool, surrounded by a sea of creepy dancing silhouettes literally everywhere I went.

If you literally see those silhouettes everywhere maybe you should considered the possibility that you literally have the same problem John Nash did.

Remember the days before Apple's icy grip on us tightened to the point of vice-like?

The Macalope has read a lot lately about high levels of lead being found in drinking water around the country but has anyone tested for elevated levels of hyperbole? Seems like maybe that’s also a problem.

…I learned the hard way after purchasing a perfectly good, affordable Zune in 2010. I might as well have contracted leprosy; my friends still refer to the purchase as a severe lapse in judgment…

The problem with the Zune wasn’t that it wasn’t from Apple. It was that it reeked of failure. There is nothing wrong with getting an Android phone. Apple phones are a good investment because they retain their value better, but if you don’t have the cash to lay out, they might not be an option. Buying a Zune, however, was like lighting your money on fire while standing on a platform marked “PlaysForSure” that’s slowly sinking into lava. Also, there was inexplicably an angry, screeching monkey wrapped around your neck, pulling on your hair. The monkey was inexplicable because he did not represent Steve Ballmer. Ballmer was represented by the rash on your inner thigh. What was the monkey there for? No one knows.

So why do I still feel like an inadequate piece of human garbage if I don't have the latest, greatest iPhone to date?

No clue. But that’s your stuff, man.

I know from personal experience that flashing an iPhone 5 in this day and age will get you a barrage of criticism from even your closest friends.

I have jerky friends. I think I’ll blame Apple.

The truth of the matter is, Apple has been failing us. And people are actually starting to catch on: iPhone sales are down, and Apple recently announced its worst quarter in a decade.

$50.6 billion in revenue, net profit of $10.5 billion.

Perspective like that is kinda what’s missing from this piece. Because as far as things to complain about, Apple shipping new products every year and your friends kind of being sarcastic jerks seem a little low on the ol’ Schmidt sting pain index.

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