Rockin’ around the clock: The proclaimed status of the Apple Watch

Macalope

You probably already figured out that watchOS 3 is a huge upgrade for the Apple Watch. But did you know that it’s a sucks-to-rockin’ upgrade?

Writing for Gizmodo, Alex Cranz declares that “The Apple Watch No Longer Totally Sucks.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @designheretic.)

Well, that’s a relief. Because, man, it sure has sucked wearing this sucky Apple Watch for a year and a half and getting all this sucky utility out of it.

To show its new unsuckiness, Cranz provides a picture of her Apple Watch strapped to a bicycle tire. Really. Which prompts the Macalope to think that maybe the reason she’s found it so sucky is that she’s been using it wrong.

The original Apple Watch wasn’t amazing, but it did what it set out to do.

Totally suck.

The first Apple Watch (now called Series 1) was more a whiff than a home run.

A whiff that’s owned the smartwatch market and taken a giant share of the revenue from the watch market as a whole. The Macalope’s not going to say it was perfect, but it’s at least a solid double.

…Apple miscalculated when it envisioned the original Watch as a fashion item.

Yes and no. Certainly nobody wanted to pay for the Watch Edition, which no one thought was going to sell in volume anyway. But think about how many Watch bands Apple and third parties have sold before you pass judgement on the Watch’s impact as a fashion item.

…despite the number of pricey bands available, it’s still pretty square.

It’s square! And fashion watches are never square.

Swatch watches are plastic but the Macalope doesn’t think anyone would deny they’re a fashion accessory. Cranz later talks about how good some of the bands look but, hey, you gotta get your cheap shots in while you can.

Forget it, Macalope. It’s Gizmodo town.

But perhaps the biggest reason is that no one especially wants a smartwatch.

Apple is estimated to have sold 12 million Watches in 2015 alone but “no one wants a smartwatch”.

The original Apple Watch previously just branded you as a tool with a decent credit line and a passion for notifications.

Is there anything better than someone who writes about technology who mocks people who like technology?! Yes, everything is better.

Yes, not as many people need a smartwatch as people need a smartphone, but how many people need a gaming console or a GoPro or a drone? Crazy uncle Larry will tell you he needs the drone because the government is using birds to spy on him, but that’s just part of his psychosis.

The government is actually using ants with little cameras to spy on him. And Larry can’t even see it.

I rock a metal band on my Series 1…

If you had an Apple Watch prior to last month you were a tool but now you rock.

Boy, technology is hard to keep up on. We’re so lucky we have people who can tell us when we’re tools and when we’re rockin’.

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