Third time’s the charm: Welcome, iPhone-killing Google phone

Macalope

You know it was coming even before Google’s event this week started but ALL HAIL THE IPHONE-KILLING GOOGLE PHONE.

Again.

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and murder clown college, Dave Thier says “Google's New Pixel Phone Is Perfect For People Abandoning iPhone, Headphone Jack And All.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Philip Speicher.)

Yes, forget the Nexus and, please, oh, dear God, forget the time Google bought an entire phone company for $12.5 billion and then dumped it for $3 billion a few years later.

This time it’s for realsies. And what’s going to make everyone switch? Look in your heart. You’ve known the answer all along.

The timing really couldn’t have been better for Google.

Isn’t it always?

If the Macalope had a nickel for every “perfect storm” that was set to blow against Apple he’d be able to retire and not have to read about all the “perfect storms” that are set to blow against Apple.

It was just a few weeks ago that Apple unveiled the controversial iPhone 7, alienating some users by deciding to eliminate the standard 3.5mm headphone jack…

The key word there is “some”. How many? Mumble-mumble, paper shuffle, pretends to be interested in a plant for 15 minutes, GOOGLE WINS!

…the first Android phones made by Google itself as well as a very clear, as Google would say, “stake in the ground” when it comes to the high-end handset market.

Funny, you’d think the real loser here is the company with the exploding Android phones that is famous for owning the high end in the Android market. What was their name again? You won’t find out in Thier’s article because it’s not mentioned once. It’s headphone jacks all the way down.

The press conference (itself Apple-esque) couldn’t have been more clear: the Pixel is an alternative to the iPhone.

Google marketing swallowed whole while-u-wait.

The Pixel phone has plenty else to recommend it, from unlimited cloud storage for photos, VR integration and what seems like a fancy camera…

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

…but make no mistake: this is a battle fought over a 3.5mm headphone jack.

Area Single-Issue Voter Very Concerned About This One Issue.

You will not be surprised to learn that water resistance is not mentioned once in this column. The iPhone 7 has it, the Google Pixel does not. It might have something to do with holes in the device, hard to say.

…then we have Google, showing up with a flagship phone made as a clear competitor to the iPhone.

If I just keep saying “headphone jack”, “iPhone” and “Google” I’m pretty sure I can make an entire column out of this without providing any substantive facts or analysis.

Even the fact that it looks exactly like an iPhone feels like a positive…

Wholesale copying is now good. Got it.

Uh, but what happens when Apple goes out of business because nobody wants a phone without a headphone jack?

In an ideal world, I’d just keep using my iPhone… But it won’t last forever, and I want a headphone jack.

Oh, you do? Dave, you should have said something.

When it comes time to making the switch, Google’s entry into the premium smartphone market makes for one of the most attractive offerings I’ve seen so far.

GOOGLE HAS NEVER SOLD SMARTPHONES BEFORE. THIS IS TOTALLY NEW. ALSO, DID YOU HEAR IT HAS A HEADPHONE JACK?

Apple may soon discover that there is nothing about its place at the top of that particular pyramid that is set in stone.

This isn’t the first time Apple’s pushed its customers to get outside of their comfort zone. Are they going to lose some during this transition? Sure. But most will adapt and some will even prefer it.

Apple doesn’t sell as many phones as the competition, but it does tend to be a trend-setter. The Macalope would say all this is going to look ridiculous when the Pixel ditches its headphone jack in a few years but it’ll probably get pushed down the memory hole the same way the fact Google’s already been selling phones for years has been.

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