Elevated status: Google declared king by fiat


It’s time to wake up and smell the coffee, Apple fans, Google is the new hotness. How can we tell? Well, they announced some new products, that’s how.

Oh, sure, pedants might suggest maybe they should actually sell some of them first but, no, it’s all over but the shouting.

Writing for Inc., Justin Bariso declares “It's Official: Google Is the New Apple.”

Well, if it’s official then that’s that. Please update your fantasy technology league rosters.

Yesterday, Google held an event to announce its vision for the future.

They have vision! For the future!

They must be seeing this vision of the future using Google Glass which we are all using and enjoying right now. That must be it.

The company also launched multiple new products, including a new flagship phone to compete with the iPhone.

Google said it was going to compete with the iPhone so it must be true. Although, they’ve been saying that about their phones for six years.

The Gloves Are Officially Off: Google Vs. Apple

Everything has to be official, even when it’s not. In 2010 they were officially competing with Apple, now they are officially Apple. By 2022 they will have passed through Apple and become a butterfly that is so beautiful it is painful to behold. By 2028 they will have sucked all matter into themselves and will burn like a bright and holy fire, alone in the universe.

Or that seems to be the natural progression of these superlatives, anyway.

That's right. Google held a keynote, and everybody's talking about it.

And nobody goes to Apple keynotes anymore. Too crowded.

What makes this more than just a little significant is that Apple, the company that built a reputation for shaping the world of technology over the past few decades, held its own keynote less than a month ago.

And it was a complete bore.

Who said so? Why, Justin Bariso said so. What other self-affirming proof do you need?

AirPods? Meh. Jet black iPhone? Psh. Portrait mode? Blah.


Dude, you can’t “meh” Mario. It simply isn’t done in polite society. Or any kind of society. Even the notoriously rude and anarchistic banshee people of Kanarkus 7 love Mario. You can say Apple’s doomed all day long and the Macalope will only make fun of you for doing so, but disrespect Mario?

No, sir.

Just check out the ad for the Pixel, Google's new iPhone competitor:

Yes! Not only does the phone itself look like an iPhone, their ad looks like one of Apple’s!


One word you won’t find mentioned in Bariso’s mash note to Google is, of course, privacy. Don’t harsh his buzz with stuff like that, bro. You also won’t find Samsung, the real loser at this announcement, mentioned once, either.

Since each company holds certain advantages over its competitors, it has been difficult to pick a clear leader of the pack.

That is, until yesterday.

Google announced a phone (which they’ve done several times before but because pundits apparently received a collective bump on the noggin no one seems to remember this), a WiFi hub (Apple already makes one of those), a VR headset (which is just goggles to put the Pixel in and a remote) and an Echo-like smart home assistant. The fawning over the last is a delightful insight into the Apple double standard. Echo sales to date are probably only in the low millions but pundits are falling over themselves about this incredible hit. Meanwhile, Apple’s sold about 15 million Watches, owns the smartwatch market and is doing exceedingly well in the watch category as a whole, and has driven Android Wear into the ocean… and the Apple Watch is somehow a flop.

Does anyone even remember Android Wear? Or has its complete failure to catch on created some kind of temporal causality force feedback that’s gone back in time and erased it from existence?

Google has traditionally sold about a million Nexus phones a month. Apple sells 4 million iPhones every week. The Pixel is a better phone than the Nexus, but it’s also more expensive. Even if they triple their sales, they’re not going to come close to Apple’s numbers. Throwing out the theatrics, they’ve got a long way to go before they’re the new Apple by the measures that really matter.

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