Punditsplaining: Why the iPhone-beating Pixel is awesome

Macalope

Have you heard about this Google phone? Apparently it’s a super huge deal and it’s very important that you are made to understand that. You simps.

It must be because why else would Dave Thier be back at the Forbes contributor network and therapy center for those who’ve swallowed a bug writing about it again?

“6 Things Regular People Need To Know About Google's Pixel Phone.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Philip Speicher.)

Listen up, muggles.

1. It is awesome.

2. Super awesome.

3. ZOMG so awesome.

4. Go buy one right now.

5. Why aren’t you buying one?

6. I can’t believe you don’t have your credit card out.

Maybe you’re looking to make the switch from iPhone. Maybe you heard something about a big new phone and you’re wondering what’s going on.

Maybe your body is changing and you’re feeling certain things for the first time. Maybe you’re confused. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Well, it is. But judging you is for a vengeful God, not us.

We’re still going to do it anyway, of course, but…

Whatever the reason, the upshot is the same: there’s a new phone in town.

And we’ve driven objectivity and facts out of town on a rail!

For example:

It’s Google’s First Phone

Well, not first first. Because, sure, they’ve had other phones before like the Nexus and that time they bought Motorola and then sold it for a fraction of its purchase price a few years later. But they haven’t made phones before, not in the sense of making them but in the sense of designing them which is to say sort of copying the design of the iPhone. This is a very important distinction that pundits are very upset you regular people don’t understand because it couldn’t be more clear and they’re going to keep writing these pieces until you get it.

…this is being pitched as the first phone actually designed and engineered by Google…

And, if anything, the fact that it looks a lot like an iPhone 6 just proves that Google is the new Apple. They’re actually making iPhones now. Come on. How obvious could it get?

It has a 3.5mm headphone jack

CASE CLOSED.

It’s all about Google Assistant… Be forewarned, however: in order to take advantage of all these features, you’re going to need to give Google the keys to the castle, i.e. permission to look into just about everything you’re doing all the time.

Well, it’s not like there’s anything that could go wrong with that, right? Just take a kidney while you’re at it! But just one!

[Google takes all vital internal organs]

The reviews are pretty good

Pretty good? Well, that’s good enough, then!

The Pixel is probably a good phone and could be a great choice if you’re an Android user not looking to start a fire in the wilderness. But its main competition is other Android manufacturers, not Apple.

Ultimately, though, if you have to explain to regular people how great it is, it might have a problem.

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