Headlines news: It’s always about Apple

Macalope

They’re only just being announced today and already Apple’s new MacBooks are doomed. It’s a mystery why Apple ever bothers to make anything.

Writing for Boy Genius Report, Chris Smith realizes that every headline is better if you jam Apple into it.

“The Galaxy Note 7 fiasco may be bad news for Apple’s new MacBooks.” (Tip o’ the antlers to The LeeBase.)

It was just two weeks ago that the Macalope came up with the croquet clap as an even slower, more sarcastic clap than the golf clap to congratulate making a Samsung problem bad for Apple and he already needs an even slower and more sarcastic clap. Pundit-skewering has become a rat race.

The Macalope’s job is like subscribing to one of those meal-in-a-box delivery services but instead of getting food he’s served up fresh hells every day.

If you’re struggling, as the Macalope did, to figure out what fresh hell this is, the idea is that component manufacturers are switching from making PC memory to smartphone memory because Samsung had to send millions of flaming Notes to the desert burial ground next door to all those copies of the E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial video game. So, sorry Apple, there will be no memories for your MacBooks, Pro or otherwise.

Also, apparently no one else makes PCs so only Apple will be hurt by this. The memory for the Microsoft Surface comes from your hopes and dreams.

According to a report, Samsung’s American rival has increased iPhone 7 production in the wake of the Galaxy Note 7 explosions and recalls.

Apple expects to sell more iPhones. Hmm, how to make this bad for Apple…

At least we can rest assured this information is of the utmost quality.

The news comes from Digitimes…

[spit take]

Curtis and Mortimer, the guys who sit outside the Gas-N-Sip all day, were apparently not available. Boy Genius Report was also unable to reach The Weekly World News, that newspaper from Harry Potter with the moving photos or a wad of sweat socks clogging up a storm drain. So they went with this report from Digitimes.

At least they’re very sure of the effect on Apple.

It’s unclear at this time whether this expected PC memory shortage will affect Apple in any way.

OH, WELL, IT’S A GOOD THING YOU DIDN’T INSINUATE THAT IN YOUR HEADLINE OR ANYTHING.

Let this be a lesson to you. There is literally nothing that happens on this Earth that cannot be made into a bad thing for Apple. Up next: How puppies and kittens are bad news for Apple.

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