When you assume: Judging Apple’s unannounced products

Macalope

It’s time to have fun with assumptions, both past an present! Apple’s in a sales decline and there’s no help for the future because all Apple products arrive pre-failed.

Writing for Barron’s, Alex Eule says “Apple iGlass is a Great Name, But It Won’t Help the Stock.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Philip Speicher.)

Get it? iGlass? Eye Glass?

Eule wasn’t the only one to go to the iWell to dredge up that iGem. Gizmodo did, too. Of course, no one uses the singular “eyeglass” unless they’re a steampunk cosplayer looking for their missing monocle. So, we shall have to agree to disagree that it’s a “great” name. Probably doesn’t matter, though, since Apple stopped naming things with a lower-case “i” in the front six years ago.

But, please, don’t let the Macalope stand in the way of judging this thing we have not seen and may never be made into a real product. Let the judging commence!

Apple is reportedly considering making a pair of eyeglasses, like the kind that Alphabet -unit Google tried and failed to popularize.

Apple patents and prototypes lots of stuff, much of which never sees the light of day. But, yeah, they’re probably making a thing that’s just like Google Glass. That seems like that’s something they’d do, particularly considering Glass was an abject failure. Please continue.

But don’t get too excited, yet.

Um. OK.

Even if Apple is considering a move into the so-called augmented reality world, as Bloomberg reported Tuesday, it’s hard to see it meaning much for Apple shares.

Just making cool stuff isn’t OK, apparently.

For one, Bloomberg reports that the glasses wouldn’t be ready before 2018.

BUT WE JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THEM AND WE NEED THEM RIGHT NOOOOOW.

And Apple’s recent experience with its watch pours some cold water on the idea from the start.

The Apple Watch is successful but not as successful as the iPhone so what’s the point? What’s the point of anything, really? We all just die eventually. Might as well just sit here and wait for it to happen.

During the Steve Jobs era…

EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT.

…Apple got used to succeeding with everything it tried…

Like the G4 Cube, Ping and the buttonless iPod shuffle.

…the Apple Watch proves that Apple is no longer infallible.

Go down to your local Costco and you can get a whole pallet full of Apple myths for like twenty bucks. Apparently.

Every single time Apple has stumbled slightly since the introduction of the iPhone, pundits have rushed to declare that the company is “no longer infallible”. They were never infallible. They just made exceptional, market-defining products. Will they do it again in the future? Despite the rush to judge things the company hasn’t announced, we have to wait and see.

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