What a week: Apple never has good ones

Macalope

A fixed period of time has passed, therefore we must examine how bad it was for Apple.

Writing for Fortune, Don Reisinger lays out the damage of the week.

“Apple Criticized Amid Mixed iPhone Sales Reports.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @designheretic.)

Wait. Wait. Wait. You’re saying there’s criticism… of Apple? Well, that is shocking. The Macalope can see why you led with that. It’s not like someone makes a living covering just the bad criticism of Apple or anything.

OK, not a great living but, still…

Another week down and Apple has once again dealt with some blows from critics—and market researchers.

Which is to say that some people said things about the company and others made up numbers about it. A few more meaningless “blows” like this and the company might look up from playing Super Stickman Golf 3.

Of course, this wouldn’t be a Don Reisinger joint if it wasn’t a numbered list. He’s not portraying everything on the list as bad news, but he sure does like to lead with that. Let the enumeration begin!

1. Bob Burrough, a former Apple engineer, this week took aim at Tim Cook, saying that he's converted the company "from a dynamic change-maker into a boring operations company" He added that Apple's corporate culture has changed for the worse in the last five years Cook has been leading the company.

Reasonable people can argue whether or not Cook reducing the tension between departments makes the company’s culture “worse”. But one of the things Burrough cites as a negative is Tim Cook firing Scott Forstall. As the Macalope recalls, it was lose Forstall or lose other executives who couldn’t bear to be in the same room with the man. If Cook had kept Forstall and lost other senior executives people would be shouting about turnover at the highest levels.

Also, three words: Felt app backgrounds.

Item 2 has to do with market share which no one really cares about.

CIRP said Apple's activation share was down due in no small part to competitive and attractive Android smartphone alternatives.

Also, the Macalope heard there were some explosive deals.

Get it?

Because of the batteries. They exploded.

Yeah, you got it.

Item 3 suggests that a 15 percent conversion rate from Android for the iPhone 7 line is bad. If the number was 100 it would probably also be bad because existing iPhone owners weren’t upgrading.

Item 4 says Apple is considering expanding its battery replacement program to the iPhone 6 and item 5 is about Apple’s lawsuit against Qualcomm. In related news, Tim Cook was considering having falafel for lunch and Phil Schiller sought a refund for a can of peaches he bought because “they tasted a little starchy”.

6. Apple has been rumored to be working on new iPads…

This is terrible news.

7. Apple has compiled a wishlist for India regulators…

OMG, no.

So, basically an average week for Apple. Which is to say a doom sandwich wrapped in terrible foil.

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