Timeflop: The iPhone 8 has pre-problems

Too hot, too hot, baby.

Macalope

Rumors about this year’s bumper crop of iPhones are starting to emerge and if you were worried that no one would tell us what’s wrong with them, never fear, the fine people and Javascript ads and Where’s Waldo enthusiasts at Business Insider are on it.

“The iPhone 8 will likely have wireless charging—but that could make it prone to overheating.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @designheretic.)

IT’LL NEVER WORK.

The Macalope often marvels at how future products from Apple’s competitors are assumed to be flawless and Apple-destroying (tip o’ the antlers to Philip Speicher) while Apple’s future products already have problems.

If you haven’t heard the rumors, the current swath of fever dreams says that this fall Apple will release not only two new iPhone 7S models, but also an iPhone 8 or X or Pro or Extreme or 2 iPhone, 2 Furious or what have you. If you don’t believe it, why, check out a concept drawing which it will most assuredly not look like.

All three will have glass casing and wireless charging, according to [KGI Securities’ Ming-Chi] Kuo’s note, which was seen by Business Insider.

As far as humblebrags go, “We paid to get this newsletter” isn’t really that great.

So, we know next to nothing about these phones that no one has seen, but it seems certain that they will be so hot as to burn the faces off small children who accidentally cast their gaze upon them momentarily.

Kuo says the premium phone would have more overheating issues than the other two, and that Apple might have to add an insulating graphite sheet to prevent it from malfunctioning.

Apple’s response to iPhone 4 antenna issues, circa 2010: You’re holding it wrong.

Apple’s response to iPhone 8 burning issues: You’re holding it.

Please sign the online petition demanding that Apple recall these phones that have not shipped yet.

Oh, also, the high-end iPhone will be craaazy expensive.

The cost of cutting edge parts may be one reason the premium OLED iPhone could cost over $1,000, according to a recent report.

New Apple products are like a time paradox, they are dropped into the time stream at some point in the future and their shockwaves of complete fail are sent forward and backward throughout time.

Business Insider provides a list of things they expect from the iPhone 8 but you might be excused from thinking the only one that matters is “burns with the heat of 10,000 suns” since they made sure to put that up top.

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