Unbreakable: Arrest of Samsung president huge win for Samsung

Macalope

What color is the sky in Samsung’s world? Well, being Samsung’s world, it is always blue. Seems kind of obvious when you say it out loud.

Writing for Forbes, Parmy Olson tells us everything’s coming up Samsung! Again! Still! Whatever!

“Samsung May Be Just Fine After Chief's Arrest.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Alex.)

If you’re into the high octane thrills of riding roller coasters, try being an investor in Samsung.

Do you like self-destructive behaviors? Do you ever get on the freeway late at night going the wrong way, just to feel alive? Because, boy, do we have a stock for you!

Within six months the company has been rocked by two major scandals: the unprecedented recall of the occasionally-exploding Galaxy Note 7, and as of Thursday, the arrest of its de facto head and billionaire heir, Jay Y. Lee.

Yikes. That can’t be good for Apple.

Prosecutors have accused Lee of paying $38 million to a controversial presidential advisor - a bribe that they say helped get regulatory approval for Samsung to buy one of its subsidiaries, and help strengthen the Lee family’s control over the company.

Where have you gone, Dan Lyons? A giant chaebol turns its lonely eyes to you to tell everyone “enough with the Samsung bashing!”

This only looks bad until you keep digging for the pony under the giant pile of manure. C’mon, really get in there. Put your back into it. And your arms. There’s gotta be a pony in there. Not yet? Seriously? Look, all that manure must have come from somewhere.

This is just science, people.

Ah, there it is!

Lee’s arrest could be a step towards a radical shakeup of the country’s powerful family-owned conglomerates or chaebols.

That's no bad thing.

That’s right, even getting broken up would be good news for Samsung. Is there anything that would not be good news for Samsung?

Olson notes that one of the reasons Samsung’s stock has done so well of late is the company’s aggressive buyback program. Apple’s share repurchasing program, meanwhile, is consistently held up as a sign the company is out of ideas by… any guesses? Yes, writers on Forbes.

[A breakup] would unlock significant value for shareholders, [New York hedge fund] Elliott [Management] claims.

A meteor crashing into Samsung’s headquarters building would unlock so much shareholder value. Because they’d just build a better headquarters building. Made out of diamonds. Duh. Why don’t you come up with a hard one instead of lobbing all these softballs?

Is this article fan fiction? Because it reads like fan fiction.

“Worst case scenario is [Jay Y. Lee] goes to jail and never becomes the boss of Samsung Electronics,” says Windsor. “So what?”

Who cares who runs the company?! CEOs are all the same.

Except Tim Cook who is no Steve Jobs. That can’t be over-stressed.

Olson believes that the breakup of Samsung should only “act as a short-term distraction”. Then, presumably, Samsung would get back to making the donuts. The donuts that go boom.

Why are you not investing already?! Go!

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