The twice-broken clock: Never right about the Apple Watch

Wrong-headed and imaginary ideas about smartwatches.

Macalope

You know the adage about a broken clock being right twice a day? That doesn’t explain Rob Enderle, the broken clock that’s somehow never right.

“Why the Smartwatch May Finally Take Off; or Not.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Sumocat.)

This time Rob is writing for TechSpective, which helpfully explains on their About page:

”TechSpective” is a mashup of the words “technology” and “perspective.”

No. Way. You just blew the Macalope’s mind, brah.

Wait, “blew” is the wrong word. Sucked. You sucked the Macalope’s mind.

The horny one was inclined to think that Rob is just making these sites up now, but it turns out that TechSplainin’ is the Island-of-Doctor-Moreau-but-with-words-esque creation of Tony Bradley. If you don’t remember Tony, he’s the intellectual Simon to Enderle’s Garfunkel, the Captain to Enderle’s Tennille, the “Is he serious with this crap?” to Enderle’s “You have got to be kidding me.” Way back in 2010, Bradley opined that Google, having killed the iPhone with the Nexus, would certainly soon kill the iPad as well. Because reasons. Then in 2014, he said Apple should bring its iOS and macOS integration features to Windows because… well, no reasons.

So, it’s nice that Tony and Rob have found a little corner of the Internet to share. Now if we could just brick off this ball pit of the banalities from the rest of us.

I look at the success of the iPod and the lack of success for the Apple Watch…

The Apple Watch is a success. The only way to paint it as a failure is to compare it to the iPhone, one of the most successful consumer electronics devices in history. Ironically, the people who claim the Apple Watch is a failure also claim the iPhone is, too, because Android has more market share. It’s failures all the way down.

…with products like the LG Watch Sport the market may finally be coming around to a winner.

Uh-huh. The smartwatch market is a failure but LG is gonna save it. That sounds plausible. I mean, you can’t write a science fiction script like that because no one would take it seriously but, sure, that works for a Rob Enderle column.

Rob has not yet begun to hallucinate and type at the same time.

What people often forget is that the first-generation iPod was actually a failure.

The reason people may “forget” that is because it’s completely untrue.

We captured that Apple did sell an impressive number of them but we didn’t talk about the fact that the majority of the ones bought in the fourth quarter of that first year were returned.

Rob does not provide a link here because it’s hard to link to things that you just made up.

This is because the first generation only worked with Apple computers and 95 percent of the market was using Windows PCs. Most of the folks getting those first iPods couldn’t use them, so they came back.

Why does the Macalope do this to himself? Is it some kind of self-hatred? He really should talk to a licensed therapist about this. Take a walk. Read a book. Stick knitting needles in your eyes. There are so many things that are healthier than reading a column by Rob.

So, Rob wants you to think that a majority of the 125,000 people who bought iPods in 2001 did not notice that it said “Requirements: Macintosh with FireWire connector” on the side of the box. Apple simply duped at least 62,501 unsuspecting Windows users who got home in 2001 and wondered where the dag-burned serial port connector was. Indeed, all Apple sales are some form of trickery or other, and Apple has only ever sold devices to the same 30 fanbois year after year. Your Macalopes, your Grubers, your Dalrymples and Ritchies, etc.

Please try to hold on to some semblance of reality, as Rob is not done making things up yet.

Now the LG Watch Sport is one of the first of a new class of LTE-based, relatively small (as in it doesn’t look like you tied an iPad to your wrist) smartwatches.

No, it looks like you tied a can of tuna to your wrist. Pundits like Rob seem to think that, much like all dogs are boys and all cats are girls, all squares are larger than all circles. Rob has apparently not seen an LG Watch Sport set next to anything other than Rodan for scale. If you read the LG Watch Sport’s specifications and do a little math, you’ll find that its volume is 50 percent greater than that of the largest Apple Watch you can buy, the 42mm Apple Watch Series 2. If the kind of math that middle schoolers master is too much trouble, just ask The Verge.

The LG Watch Sport Is Too Big For Its Own Fitness-Tracking Good.

…to look at the watch, you’d think that a bunch of Google and LG engineers sat in a room and mashed all those parts together without a care in the world for how the thing fits on your wrist. In my experience over the past week and a half, the watch was so ill-fitting that it basically negated its activity-tracking benefits. And I couldn’t wait to take the thing off. Which is never a good thing for, you know, a wearable.

Yes, Rob, surely this is the savior of the smartwatch market which must be failing because only Apple is succeeding in it. You’ve nailed it yet again.

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