Hyperbole much? Apple’s coming apocalypse

The iPhone 8 will be terrible for Apple, just like all the other iPhones.

Macalope

Hey, who likes topical references? Because it’s March Madness time and in the Apple world that means a lot of loose speculation about what a bracket of fail this year’s iPhones will be, even though they’re not coming for months.

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and the world’s most renowned slap fight dojo, Ewan Spence describes the coming apocalypse.

“New iPhone 8 Leaks Reveal The Four Horsemen Of Apple’s Apocalypse.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Alex.)

The Macalope knows that traditionally there are only supposed to be four horsemen of the apocalypse (hey, he reads X-Men comics), but it seems like in Apple’s case if you can’t come up with 16, 18, or 124 horsemen then you’re just not applying yourself.

An almost perfect storm is coming for Tim Cook and his team at Apple.

C’mon down to Earnest Ewan’s Cliché Outlet, just off the turnpike near the old grist mill.

It is not going to kill the iPhone line stone dead…

Oh. Good to know.

First up is cost. There is little to suggest that the presumptively priced iPhone 8 will not start at $1000. …when your baseline model passes a grand on the sticker, people will pay attention. …anyone looking at the total cost of ownership is going to see an eye-watering amount.

First of all, we don’t even know that the “iPhone 8” is the iPhone 8. It could be called the iPhone Pro. Whether it is or not, that’s effectively what it is. If you buy that the “iPhone 8” is coming then you must also believe that Apple will also be introducing other iPhones, presumably an iPhone 7s line. So it’s not like Tim Cook’s hitting the stage in September and saying “Surprise, suckers! Your iPhones are all a thousand bucks now!”

Horse number two… can Apple justify the higher price?

So… horse number two is horse number one. OK.

The iPhone 8 of January 1st had fast cabled charging, wireless charging over a distance of one metre, a curved screen, a bright and vivid OLED display, touchID embedded into the screen... all of these are now being downgraded like tears in the digital rain.

Horsemen, storms, replicants… this fan fic has everything.

The underlying message of these two issues leads to the third horse… profit.

ALL THESE HORSES ARE THE SAME HORSE.

This stable is getting less full every minute. We’ll get to the end of this article and find there never were any horses at all. The horses were inside us all along. Or maybe they were the friends we made along the way.

They just weren’t, you know, real horses.

All of this leaves our fourth horse of reputation.

Yes, the last horse is the effect on Apple’s reputation of releasing a very expensive phone.

[The Count voice] There iz… ONE horse! Ah-ah-ahhh!

Worst apocalypse ever.

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