The problem factory: Imagining the worst for the iPhone

Macalope

Much as April showers bring May flowers, April showers also apparently bring doom and gloom about this year’s iPhones which won’t be arriving for months. So, not so much flowers, more like fertilizer.

Writing for the very fine folks and editors and sponsored content and videos you might like at Business Insider, Rob Price gets the help of Gene “Apple is totally making a television set you can believe that, mister” Munster to tell us how terrible the iPhone 8 or 10 or Pro or whatever the heck it’s going to be will be for Apple.

“THE $1,000 PHONE: The huge problem Apple must solve before it launches the new iPhone.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Daniel Foss.)

HUUUUUGE. Indeed, it is one of the greatest problems of our time. Other than all the others.

…a lot is riding on this. And a lot that could go wrong.

Booga…

[moves six inches closer, does jazz hands]

booga!

The Apple Watch, for instance, was supposed to open a new category of consumer wearables, but the devices have appealed to only a small niche.

An estimated 25 million is a “small niche”. The Watch outsells the Amazon Echo but the Watch is a failure while the Echo is a hit. OK.

No one wants the Apple Watch of phones.

No one wants a successful product that owns its category. That sounds like a lot of stress.

To be clear: These are not predictions for what Munster, or Business Insider, thinks will happen.

So, it’s kind of like the difference between porn and actual sex. Aaaand here comes the pizza delivery guy up the walk!

Rather, they're theoretical scenarios that Apple is no doubt discussing internally and that — if they come to pass — could have huge consequences for the most important company in the tech industry.

Naturally, they’re all disaster scenarios. Which, you know… Nobody goes to see movies about asteroids that hit the Earth only to explode like a piñata, showering candy everywhere. See? You didn’t even know that was an actual movie from 1998 starring Steven Segal and Teri Hatcher called Candygeddon. Totally faded at the box office. Also, was not an actual movie.

[Munster’s] concern is that the rumored high price for the iPhone 10 — about $1,000 — would limit its appeal somewhat.

You think? Well, good news, Apple will also be introducing a line of 7s iPhones. Christmas is saved.

Long story short, Munster’s concerns are “Very expensive!”, “The tech could flop!” and “New stuff costs money to make!” Of course, these are all brand new concerns and nothing that Apple has ever dealt with before so this all very concerning what with all the concerns.

All this disaster porn and no popcorn.

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