Flophone: Analyzing the iPhone 8

Macalope

The iPhone 8 (or whatever we’re calling it today) is months away so that makes this the perfect time to make sure everyone knows what a disappointment it’s going to be.

Barrons brings us the bad pre-news by “Throwing Some Cold Water on the iPhone 8 Hype.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Philip Speicher.)

There’s lots of pressure on the iPhone 8…

They write this literally every year about every iPhone. Seriously. The Macalope was talking to Sisyphus just the other day and he says to the Macalope, he says, “Man, I do not envy your job.” Dude pushes a rock up a… you know what? Forget it.

Some of the flashy new features thought to be included in the next iPhone may not be that useful, argues Maxim analyst Nehal Chokshi.

We don’t really know what’s in the new phone but we do know it’s dumb and pointless.

To be clear, this is not Maxim, the magazine featuring pictures of scantily clad women which is basically porn for teenagers. No, this is the Maxim Group, an investment firm featuring a website of stock photos of smiling professionals which is basically porn for people with too much money.

For instance, the new phone might support wireless charging…

[eye roll] If they add that, then how will we continue to complain about it only having one port for charging and headphones?!

Meanwhile, the augmented-reality features on the iPhone 8 could also be gimmicky…

[rude hand gesture] AR is only something to beat Apple over the head with for not shipping!

Arguably the most exciting new element, the edge-to-edge screen, could be a selling point for those who want more screen space and a sleek look. But Samsung beat Apple to the punch on such a screen…

Samsung may often ship technologies sooner than Apple, but Apple is far better at making them useful. Well, unless you’re a snowboarding stalker. They’re way ahead in stalker technology.

(No, you stop talking about that ad.)

…Chokshi is “concerned that an elevated switch rate from Android to iPhone that investors may be envisioning for the iPhone 8 cycle may not transpire.”

If your job is covering technology and you’re comparing Apple and other companies using a checklist of features, you’re kinda doing it wrong.

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