Dying hereafter: Pre-judging the iPhone 8

Macalope

It is time once again for another very exciting episode of Dissing A Smartphone That Doesn’t Exist Yet! Or, in the Apple world, just another regular day.

Writing for the UK’s Express, Aaron Brown says “If the iPhone 8 looks like THIS, Apple has made a terrible mistake.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody.)

OK, sure, you probably can’t expect much from a publication that also runs a headline for one of their videos that says “Kelly Brook exposes SERIOUS cleavage as she dresses as very buxom Easter Bunny.” Since “SERIOUS” is the word they chose to put in all caps the Macalope assumes her cleavage discusses how portfolio diversification leads to better financial stability.

AS THE iPhone 8 release date looms large on the horizon…

It does not just loom, it looms LARGE. The quilt that will come from this loom will be HUGE.

…technical schematics of the next Apple smartphone have supposedly been published online.

LET THE CONCLUSION JUMPING BEGIN!

And it's not good news for Apple fans.

This thing we don’t know if it’s the real thing or not? It’s terrible “news”. (Disclosure: Actual news not included. Box may contain 99 percent filler by volume.)

The technical schematics of the hotly-anticipated iPhone 8 have supposedly leaked online.

This really could not get more definitive without actual things happening.

If the leaked drawings are accurate, the next flagship iPhone looks a bit … well, ugly.

If not, well, then we’ve wasted a lot of your time and we’re terribly sorry. Please watch a boob video.

…worst of all, it appears Apple will relocate the Touch ID fingerprint sensor to the rear of the phone.

THIS IS HORRIBLE BECAUSE IT’S NOT WHERE IT IS NOW.

It might be a little too early to judge…

Oh, you think maybe these rough schematics and renderings might be off slightly? Huh. Well, that’s a real neck-jerker coming in paragraph 13.

Fortunately, there is hope.

The hope? This may not be the actual schematics. You don’t say. Until about three-quarters of the way through the article, you don’t.

This is not the first time supposed pictures of an upcoming Apple device have hit the Internet and people have said the device looks ugly. What always ends up happening is either the images are wrong or the device looks a lot better in real life.

So… sound? Check. Fury? Check. Signifying nothing?

Check.

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