Rocket science: Fixing all Apple’s problems with this one incredibly unlikely trick

Macalope

Welcome to the Island of Dr. Acquisition where all of a company’s ills can be fixed simply by grafting another company onto it! There’s literally no chance both patients will die during the operation or the result will be a lumbering freak of nature that will go on to destroy its creators!

Writing for Futurism, Karla Lant explains “Why Apple Should Buy Tesla and Make Elon Musk CEO.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Dan Minea and Krishna Pérmi.)

It’s so simple! Why didn’t everyone think of it before instead of just a whole bunch of people who are tragically attracted to simple answers to complex questions?!

Elon Musk is the unstoppable innovation juggernaut of our time.

ELON MUSK IS A GOLDEN GOD WHO WILL SAVE ALL HUMANITY OR AT LEAST ALL RICH PEOPLE WHICH IS KIND OF THE SAME AT LEAST IF YOU’RE RICH. THE ACTOR WHO LOOKS MOST LIKE HIM IS JOHN BARROWMAN BUT SINCE HE’S OLDER THAN MUSK AND NOT A BIG-SCREEN NAME, HE’LL MOST LIKELY BE PLAYED BY JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT IN HIS BIOPIC.

Sorry. Caps lock got stuck.

The Macalope does admit, however, that offering workers froyo instead of collective bargaining rights is pretty innovative.

He has taken us to space…

Raise your hand if Elon Musk has taken you to space.

Uh, let’s see that is… zero. Literally zero people.

…and is single-handedly leading us into a new age in energy.

He’d use the other hand, too, but he has to keep his workers down with something. (Not that Apple is a worker’s paradise, mind you.)

This is why Apple should buy Tesla and make Elon Musk the CEO…

Does Musk really want to make smartphones? Who cares! This stilted acquisition porn must be made!

Who says Apple doesn’t innovate anymore? Well, almost everyone. Just Google search, “Apple is no longer innovative.”

Ha, ahhh, yeah, OK. You know, you can also get a lot of hits by Googling “moon landing faked” but that doesn’t mean the moon landing was actually faked. Also, just a pro tip from someone who knows: When you’re using the Forbes contributor network and IKEA ball pit management school to prop up your argument, that’s probably a sign you should take your idea out to the desert where it can safely be detonated so it’s no longer a threat to humanity.

Lant’s list of Apple detractions reads like the left side of the menu at Chez Macalope.

[Apple] has benefitted from Samsung’s woes (what with all the phones exploding and catching fire), but that isn’t going to last. Samsung may, and very likely will, recover. The company unveiled a new smartphone at the end of March, for example…

Apple will never last because Samsung keeps making phones, some of which will probably not explode. Presumably Samsung has only recently started making phones because Lant seems to believe that Apple is incapable of competing with Samsung.

Alas, even Lant doesn’t believe this will happen.

It’s an interesting idea—one that could be very beneficial for both companies—but don’t hold your breath.

The Macalope isn’t really sure what the point of these flights of fancy are, but pundits sure do love to waste time thinking about things that aren’t going to happen.

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