Saving time: Always pre-judge Apple products

Macalope

It’s never too early to judge an Apple product. They don’t have to be on sale, announced or even out of product development.

Writing for Investor’s Business Daily, Patrick Seitz says “Apple Prototype Smartglasses Giving Employees Eye Pain: Report.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Philip Speicher.)

While Gizmodo, the source of the report, focuses on how Apple’s injury reports can give you clues about what Apple’s working on, Investor’s Business Daily plays up the prototype causing injuries.

You know, the Macalope has used commercially available VR products that have made him want to hurl up his hay and somehow all we hear about is how Apple is behind in this market.

Apple appears to be working on some sort of smartglasses with a wearable display…

Some sort of thingamajig. A doohickey. A hoozits or whatsits that may or may not come with the jibberjabber. Too early to say at this point.

What we do know is that it will blind you.

Better A or B? A? Or B? A? B? BZZZZZT

AAAAAGH, A! BETTER A!

…but the device has caused eye pain for at least a couple of testers…

At least a couple. That is to say two. Probably a good time to demand that Tim Cook resign.

The first person “experienced discomfort in her eye” and was referred to an optometrist for treatment. The second “reported eye pain”. Sources were unable to confirm whether or not a third was experiencing a severe reaction to Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony subsequent to testing the device, but it’s probably safe to assume.

Gizmodo said a source inside Apple speculated that this injury might have something to do with an augmented-reality product Apple may be testing.

Way to go out on a limb, there, unnamed source inside Apple. The Macalope could have speculated that. So could Jimmy down at the Tastee Freez.

Although, Jimmy is pretty savvy about technology and really keeps his ear to the ground. His YouTube channel is lit. One time he blended a Mac Pro. Not the little trash can, mind you, the big aluminum one.

The company could not be immediately reached for comment.

HOW MANY PEOPLES EYES HAVE EXPLODED AS A RESULT OF THIS PROTOTYPE? MORE THAN OR FEWER THAN TWO DOZEN?

The Macalope looks forward to the day Apple rumor mongering reaches its inevitable, fully weaponized conclusion and we are finally able to judge products Apple hasn’t even thought of yet.

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