That special sauce: Future Apple products are always bad news

Macalope

Apple is expected to announce new things at WWDC next month so, quick, to the “Why you will hate Apple’s WWDC announcements” machine!

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and large animal husbandry research center, Curtis Silver has read Bloomberg’s report on Apple’s supposed plans for laptop announcements for you! So convenient!

“Apple May Announce Immediately Outdated MacBooks Next Month At WWDC.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Philip Speicher.)

Why read Bloomberg when you can read Forbes and… uh… and… uhhhh… ummm…

Uh, the Macalope has really nothing there. He started typing that sentence thinking he’d surely think of something by the end of it but, nope.

Seems like the kind of thing you’d edit out, right? And, yet, here’s the Macalope still typing and just leaving it sitting up there. Very strange.

Any-way…

The universe always finds a way to balance itself out.

You ever, like… just look at your hand, dude?

Not to be left out of the computing conversation this year, it appears Apple…

They were so close to being left out.

…will finally be updating its laptop lineup next month at WWDC. Apple is most likely looking to compete with that soft, luxurious Surface Laptop from Microsoft…

[Microsoft presenter steeples his fingers, pauses for dramatic effect]

“What if your laptop… was stainable?

I would say that Apple is also making sure to stay competitive with Google, but Chromebooks are just paperweights you can watch porn on.

Wait, that’s why they’re so popular in education?! What is going on in our schools?!

According to a Bloomberg report, Apple is planning three new laptops. The MacBook Pro, which hasn't been updated in a few years…

Well, yes. Except for seven months ago when it got a huge update, it has not been updated in a few years. Correct. Please continue.

"Look at me," says one area MacBook user. "I'm the moron who bought a $3,000 MacBook Pro in December and it's already getting an update six months later."

“Pro Users Angry At Apple’s Weak MacBook Pro Offering.”

[Apple updates MacBook Pro]

“Pro Users Angry Apple Has Improved MacBook Pro.”

Hey, the Macalope bought a new MacBook Pro in December, too. Sure, it can be annoying, but sometimes that’s the way it goes. And, despite what people seem to think, releasing an updated device does not immediately turn the one you bought into a useless piece of garbage.

Sure, that touch bar on the MacBook Pro is pretty cute, but when $400 Microsoft 10 S laptops are coming out in November with Core i9 processors (I'm wildly speculating on release dates for the i9)…

Well, as long as you’re speculating in such a way that it benefits Microsoft!

…will it really matter?

That scenario seems wildly optimistic in more ways than one (most laptops that cheap currently run an i5 at best), but do $400 laptops with a hamstrung operating system compete with the MacBook Pro? No, they don’t.

While there are a multitude of reasons these things don't sync up, it seems that if Apple was content on waiting this long to upgrade its hardware, it could have waited a little bit longer to actually have the top of the line processor in its fancy little machines.

We don’t know for sure that Apple is doing this, we don’t know for sure when the i9 is coming, Apple has been widely criticized for being slow to satisfy pro users, but let’s just hope this bouillabaisse of predicted fail drowns out the taste of all these assumptions.

The secret is in the sauce.

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