Killer unicorns: Every device an iPhone-killer

Macalope

When it comes to wishing for magical, iPhone-killing devices, dope springs eternal because every new device is surely the one, no matter how little you know about it.

Writing for TheStreet, Amanda Shiavo adopts her spookiest voice and says “Beware Apple, Android's Founder Andy Rubin Is About to Reveal 'Something Big’.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody.)

Android founder Andy Rubin's new company, Essential, tweeted today that "something big" is coming on May 30 and the announcement is likely to be a new smartphone.

We’re not really sure what it is but the thing we know for sure is that Apple is probably going out of business on May 31st.

Keep an eye out on this one, Apple.

Helpful advice. Apple might have missed it. The often don’t pay attention to what’s going on in the industry so… good tip.

TheStreet isn’t the only outfit that is very helpfully warning Apple about this iPhone-killing Rubicorn. Boy Genius Report’s Chris Smith goes even further:

“Andy Rubin’s mysterious new Android phone will do something your iPhone can’t.”

We don’t know many things about the Essential phone right now…

But it’s gonna be so awesome and Apple-affecting, y’all.

…other than it’s supposed to have an edge-to-edge screen and offer a feature unseen on the iPhone so far.

WOW! You know what other smartphone had features that weren’t on the iPhone?

THE HITLERPHONE IS NOT A THING, GARY, STOP SAYING THAT.

The Amazon Fire Phone. Anyone know how that turned out? Probably super well. Not worth checking.

…Essential tweeted an image that shows a phone complete with a strange accessory on top.

Thus causing a giant sinkhole to open up at One Infinite Loop and swallow Apple whole, The End.

Seriously, a strange accessory? Is there any point in even having WWDC?

If you Zapruder the heck out of the image you’ll see that what appears to be on the top of the device might (possibly) be (who knows?) “a 360-degree camera accessory for VR and AR” (or not). Because clearly the problem with the current state of VR and AR isn’t that the quality of what’s been produced so far is so bad, it’s that there isn’t a crapton more really lousy stuff out there.

You might want to keep a bucket next to you when you check out community-produced VR and AR.

That’s all we know about the Essential iPhone killer at this point…

It seems like it’s a phone. And it has a thing on top. And it will kill the iPhone. That’s all we know.

But, really, we didn’t need to know anything about it at all to know the third thing. That was a given.

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