Apple made a slew of announcements on Monday, going a long way toward making up for a somewhat lackluster 2016. So, what’s a perennial Apple naysayer to do?
Troll like there’s no tomorrow, baby.
Writing for the Forbes contributor network and day care run by the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (video rated safe for work but not safe for sleeping ever again), Ewan Spence tells us “Why All Of Apple's New Hardware Releases Are Good News For Microsoft's Surface.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody.)
Does that headline seem over-the-top to you? Even for Forbes? Well, that’s probably because Spence lifted it wholesale from a gag tweet by @JonyIveParody. Take that, parody account! You thought that was too outrageous? BOOM! It’s a real headline! What now, bro?!
Presumably this was done as a joke, although it’s possible Spence thought it was just that good. Is there a golf clap that’s so slow it’s actually in reverse?
If it seems odd to you that Spence would use a joke headline and not clue his readers in on the joke, well, it’s a little late to start worrying about that now. They’re already reading Forbes. The joke’s been on them for some time now.
The obvious competitor to the Surface Pro machines is the iPad Pro.
Maybe, but it’s also interesting that Microsoft has stopped positioning the Surface Pro as a tablet, since people mostly use it as a laptop.
As Apple once more signals the MacBook Pro is no longer a priority for innovation…
MacBook Pro gets full redesign including TouchBar and four USB-C ports eight months ago and then is promptly speed bumped and it’s “no longer a priority for innovation”. Microsoft’s main innovation on the Surface Laptop, meanwhile, is felt that will probably soon look like crap. It does have a more advanced processor than the similarly-priced MacBook Air, but it also has half the RAM and comes with a restricted operating system.
…[the iPad] is hampered by the walled-garden nature of iOS both at the development level and at the distribution level.
The problem with throwing all your Apple clichés into a pot and making knee-jerk bouillabaisse is that you lose precision. The problem with the iPad is not the so-called “walled garden” but the paucity of professional applications, which is largely driven by the race-to-the-bottom nature of the App Store.
But, when you don’t care that your headline is a stolen joke, you probably don’t care that you’re not using your Apple tropes appropriately.
Lurking in the bottom of every Surface machine and every Windows 10 installation is Cortana…
Microsoft’s beloved digital assistant who just happens to be a naked woman.
That’s not weird. You’re weird.
But when everyone is looking for an alternative to the clumsy heavily-laboured hero, Microsoft will be ready.
Ready to ship a kind of crappy 1.0 product and then possibly take a big write-off on it but keep pouring cash into it until it finally does OK but has kind of slipped in the last two quarters. That’s just how they make the magic, baby.