Put a lid on it: Over-the-top Apple Store criticism

Macalope

Of all the things we could be arguing over, the design of a retail store seems like it’s probably not worth throwing a ridiculous fit over but… here we are.

Over at Gizmodo, Sophie Kleeman says “Apple Unveils World's Least Portable Laptop.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Tay Bass.)

You can say a lot about Apple…

Like, ham salad the banana scooter. See? You can say things about Apple and they don’t even have to make sense. It’s what makes tech coverage go ‘round.

…it brought smartphones and personal computers to the mass market, it changed the technology industry forever, it was controlled by a megalomaniacal asshole for much of its existence…

This is a piece about how dumb the writer thinks an Apple Store looks so why not throw in a jab at Steve Jobs? Sure. I mean, he’s been dead for almost six years but… sure.

…but you’d have a hard time getting even the staunchest critic of the company to argue its products weren’t groundbreakingly pretty.

Have you met Apple’s staunchest critics? Some of these people would argue about whether or not pudding. And that’s not even a complete sentence.

Alas, nothing gold can stay. Behold, Chicago’s terrible new Apple store!

From above it looked like a MacBook during the hour or so that Apple had put a logo on top of it. That’s it. That’s the big horror show. From the side it looks terrific, of course. But, if you’re planning on hovering over the top, it was unacceptably reminiscent of a device Apple makes for a period of time.

Evoking an image of something? Not OK. Let’s be very clear about that.

Frankly, the Macalope thinks it’s more unacceptable that Microsoft Stores look like actual stores when there’s never anybody in them shopping.

(And now, in accordance with FCC regulations, the Macalope is legally obligated to say “Zing.”)

Zing.

Why didn’t they just keep the old design?

Why don’t they just sell their devices from a bunch of folding tables in an empty lot? GAH.

If Apple hadn’t put the logo on it for less than sixty minutes, we probably wouldn’t even have to wade through this nonsense because, shocker, the roof is a rectangle with rounded corners. The lid doesn’t go up or anything. There isn’t a USB-C port on the side. Maybe if they had put “tab” in the lower left corner, we’d be reading about how it’s unacceptably reminiscent of a keyboard key.

The Apple Store on 5th Avenue is a giant cube, which is also sort of lame, but at least it’s vaguely creative.

Yes, the iconic and patented cube that was designed by an award-winning firm and has become a New York destination spot is “vaguely creative”. Much in the same way the Pope can be said to be “vaguely religious”. Well said.

A giant laptop is lazy.

Everything is dumb. It’s all stupid. Nobody likes stuff.

I am forced to assume that this is some sort of cruel retribution from Foster+Partners, the British firm that designed the store. … Did Tim Cook piss on Foster or his partners’ floor? We may never know.

Yes, we may never know about the urination. What is Apple hiding about whose floors Tim Cook is peeing on? Please boycott this store until we get a full accounting of where Cook is relieving himself. Sign the online petition.

Just a thought, but if your architectural analysis includes a pee “joke”, you should get an edit because you might have gone off the rails a bit.

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