Staid analysis: The predicted iPhone 8 mega-fail

macalope
Credit: IDG

Please sit back, put on some classical music and enjoy a nice cup of tea while we take a look at some very reasonable analysis , the kind that very reasonable people enjoy reading about reasonably, concerning the upcoming release of THE GREATEST FAILURE IN THE HISTORY OF ALL FAILS, OMG, SO MUCH FAILING, EVERYONE RUN FOR THEIR LIVES.

Writing for The Motley Fool, Ashraf Eassa covers the “rushing to pre-judge unreleased Apple products” beat.

“Apple Inc.’s Epic iPhone 8 Fingerprint Fail.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Philip Speicher.)

Yes, Homer called. First he said “How is it we are talking, I do not understand this magic voice contraption.” and then he said he wanted his fail back because he needed it for an epic he was working on.

Eassa previously opined that Apple couldn’t afford to wait until September of 2014 to release larger phones and that the iPhone SE would be a failure without 3D Touch. So, as far as batting averages go, Eassa would not even make the cut at the offensive powerhouses that are the Philadelphia Phillies and the San Diego Padres.

Per generally reliable KGI Securities analyst Ming-Chi Kuo, Apple won't include its popular Touch ID fingerprint authentication technology in the upcoming premium iPhone, which is commonly referred to as iPhone 8.

This is a very strange rumor. Apple has a lot of time, effort and marketing put into Touch ID, so they are unlikely to ditch it unless they can replace it with something better. Kuo seems to be making some educated guesses based on the state of the technology as he sees it. Naturally, we are to take this as a given, that Apple is going to ditch Touch ID on the iPhone 8 and either replace it with nothing or replace it with something crappy, and proceed under the assumption that the sky is yet again falling. Not only should you sell your Apple stock but you should probably also take your current iPhone to a remote location where it can safely be detonated.

This is a massive fail

Massive! And it hasn’t even happened yet, if it is even going to happen! Can you imagine its gravitational field if it had actually happened?!

Lack of Touch ID on the iPhone 8 sounds like it's going to degrade the user experience. 

Certainly there couldn’t be any other factors that we may not know about.

To make matters even worse…

HOW COULD THEY GET EVEN WORSE?

What is going to make this “worse” in Eassa’s view is that Apple will offer customers a choice between an expensive iPhone 8 with no Touch ID but other cool features and a less expensive iPhone 7s with Touch ID but fewer new features.

WHEN WILL THE SUFFERING END?

The timing of this news also couldn't be worse.

Eassa buys his flamboyant exaggerations in bulk at Wacky Ed’s Flamboyant Exaggeration Shack, near the Winchester Peddler’s Mall off I-64 in Winchester, Kentucky.

Better luck next time, Apple. 

If there even is a next time after this colossal fail, Apple.

Sheesh.

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