The impossiphone: All the failings of the iPhone 8

macalope
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The iPhone 8 is really shaping up to be a catastrophe of a phone. Assuming you believe everything you read.

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and “Cooking With Spider Eggs” recipe blog, Gordon Kelly determines that the “iPhone 8 Leak Reveals Apple’s New Problems.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @designheretic.)

Could God make an iPhone with so many problems even he wouldn’t buy it?

Well, technically, yes. That’s not an omnipotence paradox. An omnipotence paradox would be “Could God make a phone so expensive even he couldn’t afford it?” Turns out that’s also the iPhone 8, but we’ll get to that later.

Apple’s iPhone 8 looks stunning.

No one has actually seen one but if we’re going to stop at every ridiculous statement we’ll never get through this.

In fact is it arguably the most significant update in iPhone history, but that only means the latest news is only going to make excited users angry…

Stunning phone significantly angers excited users. Film at 11.

Two major new sources - Mac Otakara and the Royal Bank of Canada…

Ah, yes, noted Apple rumors site the Royal Bank of Canada.

…have this week said the iPhone 8 release will be significantly delayed…

If the iPhone 8 arrives any time before September of 2018, it will be early, not late.

…with the former also stating colour options will be reduced and one massive feature will be cancelled.

Yes, the current state of hair-pulling and caterwauling says the iPhone 8 won’t have a Touch ID sensor. It also assumes that feature will be replaced with facial recognition. It further assumes that facial recognition will not work. So, it goes from “we think this might happen” to “the sky is falling” in three easy steps that you can master at home.

The Macalope doesn’t know why you’d want to master them, but they certainly do seem remarkably facile to master.

[Face ID is something] Apple needs to prove is as quick, convenient and secure as the much loved Touch ID…

A much-loved technology that certainly wasn’t met with the same kind of “IT’LL NEVER WORK” concerns when it was first rumored to ship.

Further pilling on the misery…

There is much misery surrounding this phone that has not been released yet.

[The Royal Bank of Canada thinks] “the flagship device may not see initial shipments until October with volume shipments not occurring until the November/December timeframe.”

But, there’s an upside on that for Apple. Which is, of course, another downside.

That said the iPhone 8’s jaw dropping price rise may dampen excitement among some users.

We assume the thing doesn’t work, it’ll earlylate, it’s so expensive no one will want one, and it can’t keep up with demand.

This really is some phone.

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