Of babies and bath water: Apple Car DOA

Don't get your imaginary hopes up for an imaginary Apple car, because its success is virtually unimaginable because of the imagined failure of another imaginary Apple device. Yes, it's just another walk in the park of Apple rumors, featuring a trip over the tied shoelaces of imagination and a fall into the koi pond of absurdity.

Writing for the Boy Genius Report, Yoni Heisler is here to tell us "What Apple’s failed HDTV plans tell us about an Apple Car." (Tip o' the antlers to @JonyIveParody.)

Oh, sure, that whaaaaaat?

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Not guilty: Xiaomi's not a very good Apple killer

The Macalope would suggest that Apple must be a cat what with the number of times it's been purported to have been killed, but a cat only has nine lives so Apple would have to be, what? A dozen cats? A dozen smiling, unconcerned cats, defiantly licking their crotches, because they can?

"China's would-be Apple killer is starting U.S. sales" (tip o' the antlers to @mylestaylor)

That's the headline on this piece. The page title is simply "Apple killer Xiaomi is starting U.S. sales" because Apple is dead, you see, having been killed by Xiaomi. This according to Fortune which fancies itself a business magazine.

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Stainless steal: The Apple Watch is not 'easy to steal'

Hey, what time is it? 7:00 a.m.? 12:30 p.m.? No! See, it turns out the Apple Watch doesn’t have some security features that the iPhone does so what time is it? Why, it’s exaggeration time!

”It’s too easy to steal an Apple Watch” (indirect link, and tip o’ the antlers to Chris)

Is it? Is that the real problem here? Are Apple Watches literally falling off the wrists of their owners and into the pockets of thieves? No, of course not. That would be silly. In fact, it is not really all that easy to steal an Apple Watch. It’s certainly less easy to steal one than an iPhone, inasmuch as an Apple Watch is literally strapped to your body and an iPhone is generally not.

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Bad decisions: Don't buy a Watch if you don't want one

With the release of the Apple Watch, some kind of telepathic signal went out to tech news sites everywhere saying “Time to drum up a reviewer who hates the very idea of smartwatches.” And, lo, it was made so.

Writing for Engadget, Mat Smith says ”I regret buying an Apple Watch (and I knew I would).” (Tip o’ the antlers to Elevated Equines.)

Gosh, with an open mind like that it’s hard to imagine how this didn’t work out.

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The impossible dream: Reviewing products that don't exist

It is the technology punditry business's solemn promise to you that every Apple product come pre-reviewed so that you know what a tremendous failure it will be. To that end, ZDNet's James Kendrick is here to tell you "Why the iPad Pro will flop, if it's really coming." (Tip o' the antlers to Neil Weinstock.)

You really don't even need to read the article. Well, you don't because that's what the Macalope is here for. To suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous Apple analysis. Remember, he's getting paid to do this, even if it's in alfalfa. There's no reason for you to do it.

Now, the Macalope hasn't met Kendrick, but he hears he's a very nice guy. He probably is. Sometimes bad articles happen to the fingers of nice people. Idle hands are Rob Enderle's workshop. Or something like that. The horny one doesn't know how it works since he's got hooves, but it's clearly some form of possession. That's the only rational explanation.

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