Headline trauma: Making excuses for Microsoft

Anytime Microsoft has a bad quarter it’s a great time to practice your creative writing skills.

Writing for the very nice people and day trading aficionados and charming contrarians and alien face-huggers at Business Insider, Matt Weinberger has an interesting perspective on Microsoft’s quarterly results that may cause spit-takes so, please, swallow your beverage.

“Microsoft's Surface hardware business shrunk by $285 million…”

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iOS

Saving time: Always pre-judge Apple products

It’s never too early to judge an Apple product. They don’t have to be on sale, announced or even out of product development.

Writing for Investor’s Business Daily, Patrick Seitz says “Apple Prototype Smartglasses Giving Employees Eye Pain: Report.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Philip Speicher.)

While Gizmodo, the source of the report, focuses on how Apple’s injury reports can give you clues about what Apple’s working on, Investor’s Business Daily plays up the prototype causing injuries.

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iOS

Finger-pointing: The rumored iPhone 8 delay

You know that product that Apple hasn’t announced yet, let alone having announced a shipping date? It’s delayed.

Yes, the problems at Apple just pile up as the company has missed its ship date of [ERROR. VARIABLE UNDEFINED. RETURN CODE XL8374:00].

Writing for The Verge (motto: “Headphone jacks 4evah”), Thomas Ricker says “You’ll know Apple blew it when it makes a fingerprint dongle.” (Tip o’ the antlers to John Nugent, Alter Eggo, Ben Dansby, Krishan Pérmi, @mylestaylor, Point & Click Radio, Chris Allwein and @JonyIveParody who got to that joke first so The Verge owes him a Coke.)

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iOS

Rocket science: Fixing all Apple’s problems with this one incredibly unlikely trick

Welcome to the Island of Dr. Acquisition where all of a company’s ills can be fixed simply by grafting another company onto it! There’s literally no chance both patients will die during the operation or the result will be a lumbering freak of nature that will go on to destroy its creators!

Writing for Futurism, Karla Lant explains “Why Apple Should Buy Tesla and Make Elon Musk CEO.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Dan Minea and Krishna Pérmi.)

It’s so simple! Why didn’t everyone think of it before instead of just a whole bunch of people who are tragically attracted to simple answers to complex questions?!

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iOS

Dying hereafter: Pre-judging the iPhone 8

It is time once again for another very exciting episode of Dissing A Smartphone That Doesn’t Exist Yet! Or, in the Apple world, just another regular day.

Writing for the UK’s Express, Aaron Brown says “If the iPhone 8 looks like THIS, Apple has made a terrible mistake.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody.)

OK, sure, you probably can’t expect much from a publication that also runs a headline for one of their videos that says “Kelly Brook exposes SERIOUS cleavage as she dresses as very buxom Easter Bunny.” Since “SERIOUS” is the word they chose to put in all caps the Macalope assumes her cleavage discusses how portfolio diversification leads to better financial stability.

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