Apple’s very bad, awful week: Say what?

Ain’t not party like a Forbes contributor network party because a Forbes contributor network party don’t stop lighting their hair on fire any time even the slightest thing happens to Apple.

Yes, writing for the Forbes contributor network and Anne Geddes knock-off photography studio, Ewan Spence declares that “Apple's Terrible Week Continues With Another Serious iPhone Problem.”

Huh. Apple apparently had a terrible week. Was not aware of that but… OK. I mean, the Macalope kind of follows this stuff closely but… there it is in print so, must be true.

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Non-final grades: Judging Tim Cook’s tenure

There’s grading on a curve and then there’s grading on a rollercoaster of personal emotion that no one really understands.

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and lightly used baboon replacement heart refurbishing center, Jay Somaney doesn’t realize he’s just auditing this class, not teaching it.

“After 5 Years As Apple CEO, Tim Cook Scores C-.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Philip Speicher.)

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Spot the utility: iPads are chock full of it

How many roads must a man walk down? How many times must a mythical creature explain that, yes, an iPad can replace a laptop depending on what you want to do?

If utility were a snake, it would have bit Quartz’s Mike Murphy and he would have expired still lamenting Apple’s woeful product offering.

“At this point, the MacBook is a really overpriced iPad that doesn’t have a touchscreen.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Philip Speicher and Paul Raulerson.)

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Everything is dumb: Like any and all new Watch features

Imagine a feature, any feature, that you could add to a piece of technology. That feature is unique, like a snowflake. And for each unique snowflake feature, there is a corresponding pundit snowflake telling you that feature is dumb.

Writing for ZDNet, Matthew Miller says “Adding GPS to the Apple Watch is a dumb idea.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Todd Wells.)

Improving things is stupid. All is futile when viewed through the lens of our mortality.

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Time… ing: Where are the new Macs?

There’s a lot of rending of garments of late over the geriatric nature of the Mac lineup and a lot of usage of the term “long in the tooth” which is stupid because if you bite your Mac you will almost certainly void the warranty, ha-ha, that’s a joke, the Apple Care on your Mac ran out 14 months ago.

“Brian Hall: Apple ‘doing their customers a disservice’ claims the General Manager of Microsoft Surface.” (Tip o’ the antlers to BabyG.)

Well, really, who else are you going to ask if not the guy in charge of one piece of hardware?

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