For complaining’s sake: Apple’s case cash cow

Would you be surprised to learn that Apple makes iPhone design decisions based on how many of its battery cases it thinks it can sell? The Macalope would. He suspects Apple would be, too.

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and bootleg colonoscopy video clearing house, Ewan Spence says the “iPhone 7's Ugly Battery Fix Highlights Apple's Greedy Design.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Philip Speicher and @designheretic.)

This is part of a series, apparently, since last year Spence said “Apple's iPhone 6S Battery Fix Is An Angry, Ugly Mess.” Please tune in next year when Spence will call the 2017 iPhone battery case “A Very Awful, No-Good, Crusted-Over Scab of an Ugly Greedy Bad Angry Hollow Disgusting What Was I Talking About Again? Oh, Right A Battery Case…”

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Burying the lede: The headphone non-issue

There are so many ways to write a story but it turns out the one most used is to highlight whatever reflects negatively on Apple. And not just in tech, pick up a copy of Knitting Today and most of the stories start off with how dull the iPhone 7 is. True story.

Writing for Fortune, Don Reisinger says “Most People Have No Interest in Buying iPhone 7.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @designheretic.)

This would be shocking if it weren’t for the years and years we’ve been told how Apple is losing the market share war. “Most people” don’t own iPhones. They never have.

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Fumble: The Galaxy Note fails to blow up the iPhone 7

The Macalope is sure there’s a football analogy for the Galaxy Note 7 situation here somewhere. Maybe something about trying an onside kick, fumbling the snap (which you shouldn’t have been doing in the first place because it’s an onside kick), recovering the ball but running to the wrong end zone and then being tackled for a safety and losing the game 44-0. But heck if the Macalope can figure it out.

(It’s pretty much exactly that.)

“Rush to Take Advantage of a Dull iPhone Started Samsung’s Battery Crisis.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @realworldrj.)

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It’s always something: Finding things to complain about with the iPhone 7

Having a hard time finding things to complain about with the iPhone 7 launch? Oh, there’s something there. You just have to dig a little deeper. Deeper. Keeeeeep goooooing…

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and oversized carnival prize stuffed animal stud ranch, Ewan Spence wonders aloud: “iPhone 7 Problems Exposed: Is Apple Flying Or Dying?” (Tip o’ the antlers to Philip Speicher.)

[Gently places one hoof over Spence’s lips] Shh, Ewan. Shhhh. Just wonder silently.

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Worry warts: Apple’s supposed software problem

By the end of the month Apple will have released vastly improved updates to all three of its operating systems but, of course, the real takeaway is how Apple can’t do software as well as its competitors.

Writing for Quartz, software engineer Jon Evans says “Apple should be worried — the future of tech is in software, not hardware.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @CaffeineAndHate.)

Apple is, when you think about it, not unlike a tiny kitten, stranded on a small rock in the midst of an entire ocean of lava. This is verifiably true.

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Preferring to switch and fight: It’s you, iPhone 7, not him

Why choose between switching and fighting when at Forbes you can get a man that can do both?

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and bespoke hamster vest shop (that’s vests for hamsters, not vests made of hamsters or with pictures of hamsters on them), Dave Thier is all about having the cake and also eating the cake. That just makes sense, right? It’s his cake, after all! Like he’s supposed to just leave it lying around?

“iPhone 7: Apple Killed The Headphone Jack, And I'm Switching To Android.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Philip Speicher.)

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