Assumption junction: Calling Apple a religion has no function

The Macalope isn’t going to lie to you, he ran out of clever introductions for these “Apple is a religion” pieces about three years ago. Well, if he ever had any, that is.

Writing for The Guardian, John Naughton says ”If Steve Jobs’s death didn’t ruin Apple, the iCar surely will.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Christopher Cowan.)

Let’s just take the first half of that headline so we don’t rupture the hernias of our minds trying to lift so much wacko. Presumably, some believe that Steve Jobs’s death, ahem, ruined Apple. Apparently this is a thing that is debated. That Apple has been ruined or is in ruins.

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Express yourself: But why does it always have to be about Apple?

Before reading today's column, be forewarned that the Apple atrocity outlined is not for the faint of heart. Children, pregnant women, meninists and others with a delicate nature should leave the room while this is read.

"apple’s most personal device forces us all to speak the same" (no link, but tip o' the antlers to Elevated Equines)

No, the Macalope's shift key is not broken, that's the point of The Verge's Sam Byford in this piece which is subtitled:

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A broken record: Marketshare predictions continue to be dumb

Look out, Apple! IDC says you're headed for a fall! And they would know because they've been making up future market share numbers for years.

MarketWatch's Jennifer Booton explains "Why Apple’s iOS will be less dominant in 5 years." (Tip o' the antlers to @JonyIveParody.)

Answer: Because someone made a spreadsheet that says so. These numbers don't lie. They're wrong all the time, but they don't lie. There's a difference.

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Leading indicators: Ads must mean a product is tanking

Apple has decided not to report Apple Watch sales figures, but if you're clever, you can find any number of reasons to say that they must be lackluster.

Writing for 24/7 Wall Street, Douglas A. McIntyre wonders aloud, "Why Does Apple Bother to Advertise Its Watch?" (tip o' the antlers to Dan Frakes and Ken Segall who handily performs his own takedown.)

Oh, it's probably not selling well. Seems obvious, right? Must be because it's not selling well. No one's buying them. Why else would they advertise? No reason. Literally none.

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Of babies and bath water: Apple Car DOA

Don't get your imaginary hopes up for an imaginary Apple car, because its success is virtually unimaginable because of the imagined failure of another imaginary Apple device. Yes, it's just another walk in the park of Apple rumors, featuring a trip over the tied shoelaces of imagination and a fall into the koi pond of absurdity.

Writing for the Boy Genius Report, Yoni Heisler is here to tell us "What Apple’s failed HDTV plans tell us about an Apple Car." (Tip o' the antlers to @JonyIveParody.)

Oh, sure, that whaaaaaat?

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Not guilty: Xiaomi's not a very good Apple killer

The Macalope would suggest that Apple must be a cat what with the number of times it's been purported to have been killed, but a cat only has nine lives so Apple would have to be, what? A dozen cats? A dozen smiling, unconcerned cats, defiantly licking their crotches, because they can?

"China's would-be Apple killer is starting U.S. sales" (tip o' the antlers to @mylestaylor)

That's the headline on this piece. The page title is simply "Apple killer Xiaomi is starting U.S. sales" because Apple is dead, you see, having been killed by Xiaomi. This according to Fortune which fancies itself a business magazine.

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Stainless steal: The Apple Watch is not 'easy to steal'

Hey, what time is it? 7:00 a.m.? 12:30 p.m.? No! See, it turns out the Apple Watch doesn’t have some security features that the iPhone does so what time is it? Why, it’s exaggeration time!

”It’s too easy to steal an Apple Watch” (indirect link, and tip o’ the antlers to Chris)

Is it? Is that the real problem here? Are Apple Watches literally falling off the wrists of their owners and into the pockets of thieves? No, of course not. That would be silly. In fact, it is not really all that easy to steal an Apple Watch. It’s certainly less easy to steal one than an iPhone, inasmuch as an Apple Watch is literally strapped to your body and an iPhone is generally not.

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