Missed connections

The Macalope , Macworld

In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.
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Like lonely hearts looking for love in all the wrong places, these pundits are looking for answers in all the wrong places. Our first ad reads, “You: world’s largest and most successful technology company. Me: trying to jam you into a headline you don’t belong in.” Next up, “You: still largest digital music retailer. Me: getting basic facts wrong.” Finally, the Macalope thinks Microsoft executives are getting hot and bothered by the wrong relationship.

Obsession

The Macalope has never written a book full of silly pundit axioms, but were he to, this would be in the top five:

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8

The return of the naive

The Macalope , Macworld

In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.
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Hey, guess who’s back! It’s Dan formerly “Fake Steve Jobs” formerly “fake tech analyst” Lyons!

Ugh, right?

“Walter Isaacson, Steve Jobs’ Biographer, Predicts Jimmy Iovine Will Run Apple’s Content Business” (tip o’ the antlers to @papanic).

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Say anything

The Macalope , Macworld

In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.
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No, it’s not the Cameron Crowe young-romance flick that won America’s heart way back when, it’s serial talking heads who will say anything to get their name in an article or get on the television. Round up a couple of them and you’ve got yourself a piece, mister.

Writing for The Street, Chris Ciaccia brings us “5 Things Apple Doesn’t Want You to Know” (no link because we do not reward such behavior, no we do not, but tip o’ the antlers to Tay Bass).

And if you guessed that this is spread across five pages, well, guess again, Mr. or Ms. Cynical. It’s spread across six pages, because five things clearly need a setup. See, this is why you are not a new media jerkface.

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Thank you for your contribution

The Macalope , Macworld

In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.
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Yes, it’s a clean sweep for the Forbes “contributor” network this week! Three contributors, and they’re all here to tell us what a terrible idea it is for Apple to acquire Beats. We don’t know if the company really is acquiring Beats, but rest assured that if it is, Forbes has you covered for reasons why it’s executive malpractice.

Failing sideways

Formerly of Business Insider, Pascal-Emmanuel Gobry now writes for the Forbes contributor network.

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27

Says who?

The Macalope , Macworld

In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.
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Yes, it’s another day in paradise as tech-writing trips over its gigantic clown shoes in order to discuss all of Apple’s many challenges.

Writing for the Associated Press, Michael Liedtke commits a common sin:

“Apple CEO Dares To Be Different From Steve Jobs” (tip o’ the antlers to Myles Taylor).

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13

What's my motivation?

The Macalope , Macworld

In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.
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Breaking news! Alleged Apple acquisition shows how doomed Apple is!

Gordon Kelly explains “Why Apple Has Lost The Plot With $3.2 Billion Purchase Of Beats By Dre” (no link but tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody).

The plot that only clever people who write for the Forbes contributor network know!

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16

The Macalope Weekly: Schooling

The Macalope , Macworld

In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.
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School’s not out for summer yet—that’s why there’s still time to send Apple to school about its own business. Meanwhile, you dumb Apple fans need to be schooled on alternatives to those devices you love because … well, you make certain pundits unreasonably angry is why. Finally, Valleywag is going to tell us how anonymous technology journalists think an Apple executive who retired this week was just magical. Oh, is that not how it meant that?

He’s an ideas guy

One of the most beloved genres in all of tech punditry is the “Apple, I’m a dude on the Internet and lemme give you some advice” genre.

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