Never say never again: Putting words in Steve Jobs' mouth continues apace

The ghost of Steve Jobs is very angry with Apple. How do we know? People who didn’t know him say so. Who? People who write for the now-ironically named Boy Genius Report.

“Here’s why Apple’s upcoming ‘iPad Pro’ will be a failure, according to Steve Jobs”

Stick with the Macalope here because we’re about to take a mystical journey from the headline through the dark carnival that is the Boy Genius Report‘s twisted soul. Hang on to his hoof, dear reader, for this house of mirrors can try the mind and leave you questioning your sanity.

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Those who do not study history: Apple devices are usually different

There are many ways a device can fail. Writing for The Motley Fool, Tim Brugger finds a new one: By having other devices—devices it will actually compete against—fail.

“More Bad News for Apple Inc. Smart Watch” (tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody)

More. There has already been much bad news for the Apple Watch and now there is even more. Facts are things you can read on the Internet. Provided you’re reading something other than the linked article.

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Supremely wrong: Getting the iPhone wrong at its birth

Last week marked the 8th anniversary of the iPhone’s unveiling and the Macalope was somewhat surprised that it was widely marked through the Apple web. The horny ones doesn’t even know what you get an original iPhone for an 8th anniversary so he just took his out to dinner.

What? That’s not weird. You’re weird.

Just for fun, though, the Macalope called Fabian down in records (records don’t necessarily have to be stored in the basement, but Fabian is actually a mole man so he’s just more comfortable there) and had him dredge up one of the worst iPhone reactions from 2007. So put on Fergie and take yourself back to read the stylings of Wharton marketing professor Peter Fader.

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Dead already: Future Apple products never stand a chance

The Apple Watch doesn’t come out for... well, we don’t even know when it comes out and already there’s one big question on everyone’s mind as elucidated by CNBC’s Evelyn Cheng:

“Is the ‘Watch’ Apple’s Zune moment?” (indirect link and a tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody)

Do words have meaning? Is Desiderata Max Ehrmann’s Blame it on the Rain? Do fascist gnomes sneak into the Macalope’s bread drawer at night to conspire and construct elaborate plots against their tiny free-thinking enemies?

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Things we know for sure: The thoughts of Steve Jobs are not in this set

Can you believe it? It’s 2015 and people are still writing “Steve Jobs would never” on their checks.

“7 things Steve Jobs would have hated about Apple today” (indirect link)

Inexplicably, some still pretend to know what Steve Jobs would think about things. No, they will never stop. But, to be fair, Cult of Mac knows Steve Jobs would have hated these things because [clown horn] honk-honk [slide whistle] doooooooooooop [very long seltzer spray] pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssht

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Regrets, I've had a few: A case of opinion overload

The Macalope took a well-earned day off this week and what do you people do? You blow up the Internet. Not with butts, but with an “Apple fan” criticizing Apple.

“Apple has lost the functional high ground“

That’s “controversial iOS developer” (turns out if you are successful at what you do and have opinions about things like coffee and headphones you’re “controversial”) Marco Arment decrying what he perceives as a slide in Apple’s software quality.

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