Short-term memory: Annual iPhone order slippage news

It’s that time again! Yes, it’s December so it’s time for receiving annual gifts that no one wants: Fruit cakes, holiday sweaters and “news” that Apple has cut iPhone orders.

Writing for the goblin-infested warren of ancient dwarf mines that hides an unspeakable darkness (not a balrog, but a guy who writes about things like how surprisingly tolerable it is to fly economy class, which is demonstrably worse than a balrog) known as Business Insider, Matt Weinberger details the collapse.

“CREDIT SUISSE: Apple’s newest iPhone is underperforming, but a mini iPhone could save the day.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody.)

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iPad Pro no: Apple’s latest is already proclaimed a failure

What the heck is the matter with people? Well, when the Macalope says “people” in this instance he means the coagulated meat clumps that write for the Forbes contributor network and liberated sock monkey sanctuary.

Ewan Spence does us all the great favor of explaining how the “iPad Pro's Failure In The Tablet Wars Hands Microsoft A Rare Victory.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @oatmeal33.)

It’s very nice of him as the Macalope is not personally able to decipher the portents of Apple device doom that lie in everyday happenings such as a feather falling from a bird’s wing or certain shapes being burnt into toast. For example, he was unaware that the iPad Pro had already failed. Important information. Good to have. This is why you go to a witch doctor.

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Dead again: Another Apple Watch killer

The Macalope should have gotten that clicker app for the Apple Watch so he could keep track of the number of Apple Watch killers that have been run up the flag pole before people realized that they can’t wear them if they’re on the top of the flag pole.

Writing for the lovely people and robots and angry raccoons and SEO generation algorithms at Business Insider, Matthew DeBord warns that “The TAG Heuer Connected is the first smartwatch that Apple should be worried about.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody.)

And here the Macalope thought it was the Motorola 360 and the Swatch Whatever and the Dingus 900, you know, basically every watch that’s already been touted as an Apple Watch killer.

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Traffic court: Trying too hard for attention

The Macalope’s not going to tell you his job is hard. As you might imagine, covering the “ridiculous things written about Apple” beat is, on any given day, like being hit in the face with a fire hose spraying nothing but weaponized dumb, a substance banned by numerous international treaties and, more importantly, morally wrong.

Most days all he has to do is open up his Twitter feed and pick the ripest of the fruits he’s spoon-fed by his intelligent and brutally well-dressed followers. But it’s not all cut and dried like the bales of sweet, leafy alfalfa that Amazing Al’s Alfalfa delivers to the Macalope’s woodland home every week. Some of these fruits hang too low. Many are more like tubers in that they are logically underground in an analogy where height is an indicator of sanity.

The horny one is sometimes presented with the cage linings of outfits he’s never heard before that — surprise! — have salacious things to say about Apple. It’s almost as if these outfits and their writers have figured out that they can get attention by claiming that Apple or one of its devices is doomed. If you are offended by how the Internet sausage is made, the Macalope apologizes for detailing how the rendering facility works.

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