Flub-a-dub-dub: Apple's Watch botch

Apple Watch preorders began last Friday and now for analysis seemingly written by single-celled organisms that subsist on Apple news, converting into nothing but pure negativity, let us turn to the Forbes contributor network.

”Did Apple Flub The Timing Of The Apple Watch?”

The precursor to Betteridge’s Law is Forbes law, which states that if you’re writing a negative piece on Apple based on cherry picking the bad parts of reviews of something you haven’t used, make the title a question because it absolves you of any responsibility.

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Knee-jerk reaction: How to ruin a point

The Macalope’s going to be honest with you: He’s simply run out of ways to introduce these “Apple is a religion” pieces. He’s only one mythical beast.

Writing for the Guardian, John Naughton explains ”Why Apple is the Toyota of hi-tech.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Evert Jan Boon.)

It’s a bit of an odd comparison, but his reasoning isn’t bad. Apple churns out a ton of product with remarkable efficiency. It does, however, manage to do so without the need for recalls, but the point about scale is sound enough. It’s the rest that’ll have you wondering if you’ll ever be able to love again.

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Mo' problems: Apple Pay is DOA

A priest, a rabbi, and a longshoreman walk into a pharmacy and try to use Apple Pay. They all leave because it’s completely broken and, also, they realize they’re in the wrong joke. They’re supposed to be walking into a bar.

Writing for The Motley Fool, Jeremy Bowman says ”Apple Pay’s Problems Are Bigger Than You Think” (tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody).

HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE THE MACALOPE ALREADY THINKS THEY’RE SO BIG.

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Declining up: Apple's slow slide to success

Before we begin with today’s deconstruction, the Macalope must warn you that children, pregnant women, men and others with sensitive natures may find the arguments presented today to be disturbing and ulcer-causing. Reader discretion is advised.

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and small animal rodeo, Peter Cohan continues to be Peter Cohan.

”Stanford Lecturer On Apple’s Innovation Drought”

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Reading comprehension: Misunderstanding Apple surveys continues apace

Another survey about Apple is out so you know what that means: It’s time to misinterpret it.

Writing for the collection of circus poodles jumping through hoops that has the oddly inaccurate name of Business Insider, Jillian D’Onfro says ”Apple Pay has been a ‘disappointment’ to nearly half its users.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody.)

Oh, no! That would certainly be terrible if that were at all what this survey showed! Good thing it doesn’t. Kind of dodged an imaginary bullet there. Phew.

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A mixed bag: Choice is good, but it's not always better

People love choice, right? Give the option between not having choice and having choice, one would always choose choice, right? Because it’s always better to be able to choose between 70 crappy things than get one good one.

Hey, wait a minute...

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and monkey grooming service, Brooke Crothers asks ”Windows 10 or OS X: Can Hardware Make the Difference?” (tip o’ the antlers to Rajesh)

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