The blame game: Everything is Apple's fault

Welcome to the world of Internet tech coverage. The big, stupid, stinky onion that is the world of Internet tech coverage.

The outside layer of this onion is benign. In this case, it’s an interview by the Telegraph with former Motorola CEO Dennis Woodside, who conducted Google’s $12.5 billion purchase of the company. [Correction: an earlier version of this story called Woodside the "architect" but that is not correct. Andy Rubin seems to have arranged the deal from Google's side while Woodside carried it out for the company.] This is the plain brown wrapper in which we will find the eye-watering mess that is the heart of Internet tech coverage.

This piece was picked up by Engadget, which extracts this from the interview:

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Goal posts of the imagination: Innovation means shipping

Let’s go back in time seven years. That was when the Macalope first wrote this:

It’s amazing how future Microsoft products beat current Apple products time and time again, isn’t it? You’d think Apple would have just given up by now.

That was in response to contentions that Windows Mobile 7 (which later shipped as Windows Phone) would crush the iPhone. Not that that context has anything to do with what we’re about to talk about. Cough.

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Never say never again: Putting words in Steve Jobs' mouth continues apace

The ghost of Steve Jobs is very angry with Apple. How do we know? People who didn’t know him say so. Who? People who write for the now-ironically named Boy Genius Report.

“Here’s why Apple’s upcoming ‘iPad Pro’ will be a failure, according to Steve Jobs”

Stick with the Macalope here because we’re about to take a mystical journey from the headline through the dark carnival that is the Boy Genius Report‘s twisted soul. Hang on to his hoof, dear reader, for this house of mirrors can try the mind and leave you questioning your sanity.

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Those who do not study history: Apple devices are usually different

There are many ways a device can fail. Writing for The Motley Fool, Tim Brugger finds a new one: By having other devices—devices it will actually compete against—fail.

“More Bad News for Apple Inc. Smart Watch” (tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody)

More. There has already been much bad news for the Apple Watch and now there is even more. Facts are things you can read on the Internet. Provided you’re reading something other than the linked article.

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Supremely wrong: Getting the iPhone wrong at its birth

Last week marked the 8th anniversary of the iPhone’s unveiling and the Macalope was somewhat surprised that it was widely marked through the Apple web. The horny ones doesn’t even know what you get an original iPhone for an 8th anniversary so he just took his out to dinner.

What? That’s not weird. You’re weird.

Just for fun, though, the Macalope called Fabian down in records (records don’t necessarily have to be stored in the basement, but Fabian is actually a mole man so he’s just more comfortable there) and had him dredge up one of the worst iPhone reactions from 2007. So put on Fergie and take yourself back to read the stylings of Wharton marketing professor Peter Fader.

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Dead already: Future Apple products never stand a chance

The Apple Watch doesn’t come out for... well, we don’t even know when it comes out and already there’s one big question on everyone’s mind as elucidated by CNBC’s Evelyn Cheng:

“Is the ‘Watch’ Apple’s Zune moment?” (indirect link and a tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody)

Do words have meaning? Is Desiderata Max Ehrmann’s Blame it on the Rain? Do fascist gnomes sneak into the Macalope’s bread drawer at night to conspire and construct elaborate plots against their tiny free-thinking enemies?

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