Traffic court: Trying too hard for attention

The Macalope’s not going to tell you his job is hard. As you might imagine, covering the “ridiculous things written about Apple” beat is, on any given day, like being hit in the face with a fire hose spraying nothing but weaponized dumb, a substance banned by numerous international treaties and, more importantly, morally wrong.

Most days all he has to do is open up his Twitter feed and pick the ripest of the fruits he’s spoon-fed by his intelligent and brutally well-dressed followers. But it’s not all cut and dried like the bales of sweet, leafy alfalfa that Amazing Al’s Alfalfa delivers to the Macalope’s woodland home every week. Some of these fruits hang too low. Many are more like tubers in that they are logically underground in an analogy where height is an indicator of sanity.

The horny one is sometimes presented with the cage linings of outfits he’s never heard before that — surprise! — have salacious things to say about Apple. It’s almost as if these outfits and their writers have figured out that they can get attention by claiming that Apple or one of its devices is doomed. If you are offended by how the Internet sausage is made, the Macalope apologizes for detailing how the rendering facility works.

Read more »


Mystery meat: Security survey results lack details

What time is it? It’s salacious Apple security results o’clock! Also, time to get a new clock because any clock that has “salacious Apple security results” as one of the positions isn’t a very good clock.

But our good friends at Business Insider (disclosure: not actually friends in any way, not exactly enemies, either, more like two people who don’t know each other and are annoyed at being seated together at the last table in a crowded restaurant) are on it, like high pants on Roger Moore in a 1980s James Bond movie.

“New study finds that iPhones are actually more vulnerable than Android phones.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody.)

Read more »


Oh, oh, oh, it’s magic: Conjuring up Apple doom

What’s that sound? It’s the dulcet tones of the LOL Orchestra playing as The Next Web’s Bryan Clark tells us how “We’ve reached – maybe passed – peak Apple: Why the narrative needs to change.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody, @jonnikuest, Paul South, @TangentWorlds, Justin Davis and Wes Kroesbergen.)

Last month, Apple’s latest earnings call announced its “most successful year ever.” The numbers were reported, the stories were spun and Wall Street basically anointed Apple the god of capitalism.

But where there’s smoke, there are mirrors.

Read more »


Underground fruit: Making Apple news with a minimum of ingredients

Slow news day on the Apple beat? That’s OK, because with a little gumption and some irate table flipping, you’ll find almost anything can be treated as newsworthy.

It’s not, of course, but you can treat it that way.

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and interpretive Dance Dance Revolution school, Gordon Kelly rages against the Apple update machine.

Read more »