Road to nowhere: Apple car not required

Forget about an Apple Car, everyone, because it turns out that making a car is difficult and everything is just fine in the car industry so it’s not needed. The Macalope is sure no one will be more relieved than Apple that it can go back to making its little gadgets.

Writing for The Columbus Dispatch, Bree Fowler warns that“Google, Apple face rocky road if they try to become automakers.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody.)

Ah, so it’s nothing but chocolate and more chocolate and marshmallows and no, that’s not what Fowler means. No, what Fowler means is that auto executives are in a phase between “denial” and “anger” called “denger,” in which one angrily expresses one’s denial to the press so the rest of us have something to laughingly quote in 15 years.

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Headline skewing: Apple Music gets graded on a curve

There are four possible things one could say about Apple Music, ranging from it being a total success to a partial success to a partial failure and finally, well, the thing that ends up in the headline.

Writing for Slate, Jordan Weissmann asks “Is Apple Music a Total Failure?” (Tip o’ the antlers to Tay Bass.)

Indeed! Such are the quintessential questions of our times. “Is [insert whatever product Apple recently shipped] a Total Failure?”

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Upside down: Portraying Apple’s strengths as a weakness

What is it about our culture that prompts us to write stories that tell you that thing you think is true is not only not true but the exact opposite is true?

Writing for the Washington Post, Hayley Tsukayama warns us of “The catch-22 that could hurt Apple down the road.” (Tip o’ the antlers to SamT.)

Despite my iPhone's insistence, I really don't care that much about hockey. And that's a problem for Apple News — and privacy-minded consumers everywhere.

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Presumed guilty: It’s probably Apple’s fault

There are many things Apple is responsible for. We’re not going to talk about those today.

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and backwater mall food court employee break room, Ewan Spence proclaims that ’twas not a dingo ate your baby but rather an “Apple iOS 9.0.2 Flaws Let Facebook Eat Your iPhone Battery.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Nick Heer and Stefan BurtonSchnüll.)

The Macalope says unto you: Balderdash. A harsh word? Perhaps. But harsh times call for harsh words.

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