Cold as ice: Not shocking that physics affects Apple products

The calendar might say “2016” but the same old rules apply: If you can complain about something tangentially related to Apple and make it solely about Apple, what are you waiting for, write it up already. Time’s a-wastin’.

Writing for Gawker, Jordan Sargent complains that “Apple Products Are Not Built for Winter.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Susie Ochs.)

Lately, the thought of opening my Macbook first thing in the morning flushes me with dread.

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Lies, damned lies and these lies: Security numbers don’t tell the story

If there’s a metric Apple’s failing at you can be sure it’ll get reported, even if it’s a meaningless metric.

Writing for Tiger Beat in the Valley, Emil Protalinski runs the numbers. Or, well, looks at some numbers.

“Software with the most vulnerabilities in 2015: Mac OS X, iOS, and Flash.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody and @_HairForceOne.)

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iOS

Apple doom: Now in its millionth year

As we enter a new year, the Macalope would like to clear up a misconception he sometimes hears. Every once in a while someone comes along and suggests that the Macalope is attempting to distract from Apple’s failings by cheerleading the company.

That’s not what the Macalope is trying to do.

If you read his collected works, mostly all the Macalope is ever saying is “No, Apple is not going out of business.” It’s ludicrous that he can find three articles (often more!) a week saying Apple’s doomed, but such are the times we live in. To this furry hybrid, that seems the larger problem than his criticism of the various brain pan drippings of your Forbes contributor networks (and Mummenschanz slash fic forum), your Business Insiders, your Gary’s Anti-Apple Blog, and so forth.

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iOS

The Forced Analogy: Just say “NOOOOOO!” to mixing Star Wars and Apple

You knew it was coming. Well, you might have hoped or it wasn’t or prayed to whatever gods you worship to make it not come, but you knew it was coming.

Even after you stayed up all night putting those animal bones into just the right shape to summon Gorzok the Flayer. What a waste of time. But Gorzok is a lousy god, Tracy! We all told you this! And, predictably, he has once again failed to stop people from writing for the Forbes contributor network and remedial LARPing summer school.

Wife: Honey, I’m worried about Tristan. He doesn’t know the difference between throwing a lightning bolt and rolling for initiative.

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iOS

Open says me: A magic solution to Apple’s share price

Apple’s share price is committing the unpardonable sin of failing to do any better than the rest of the market so clearly it’s time for Apple to stop being Apple.

Look, the Macalope doesn’t make up the capricious rules that govern Wall Street, he just reports them.

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and “lightly used” pimento loaf refurbishing center, Jay Somaney says that “While Tim Cook Gloats About CIA-Like Secrecy At Apple, Shareholders Should Be Very Worried.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Grant Winkler.)

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iOS

The anomaly: Time-traveling Apple doom

You know that final episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation where the space anomaly travels backward in time to destroy humanity (spoiler)? That must be what Apple doom is like since we can detect it coming from devices the company hasn’t even announced yet.

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and unlicensed pet taxidermy school, Ewan Spence tells us that the “New iPhone Leak Guarantees Apple Will Disappoint You.” (No direct link but a tip o’ the antlers to @mylestaylor.)

Another day of tech news and another indication that Apple will be releasing an iPhone 6C in the first half of 2016.

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