Problem time: Things are only an issue when Apple gets involved

As was widely expected, Apple announced a[nother] streaming music service yesterday. So, in the tradition of great Marvel team additions we say "Welcome, Apple Music, we hope you survive the experience."

Also, we must point out that Apple is the worst thing ever and is destroying our digital freedoms.

"Apple Music and the terrible return of DRM" (tip o' the antlers to @papanic)

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Air puppets: Apple punditry's tiresome trio

Dvorak. Enderle. Lyons. More logic has been lost in the triangle created by these three men than in all the unexplained plot holes in The X-Files, Lost and alt.starwarsstartrekcrossover.fanfic combined.

We'll kick it off with John C. Dvorak. (The "C." is for "Clownish arguments". His parents just had a feeling.)

Not even in a piece lambasting Google's new Photos service (tip o' the antlers to Elevated Equines) can Dvorak resist taking a nonsensical jab at Mac users because... well, why does a fish swim or a bird fly? Because they have an irrational hatred of the water and the air, that's why.

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The comeback kid: Always bet on Black... Berry

The Macalope does not offer investment advice as he is not a licensed investment professional and has not huffed the requisite amounts of nitrous oxide as required by law. Presumably that's what people who give investment advice do, or how else could we explain this piece on the Motley Fool by Robert Baillieul:

"Forget Apple Inc.: 1 Reason to Buy Blackberry Ltd. Instead" (tip o' the antlers to @JonyIveParody)

Is it having consumed lead paint chips as a child? Is it a massive head injury? A desire to become more zen by shedding yourself of worldly possessions? Maybe it's simply self-loathing. There could be so many reasons. It's hard to pick just one.

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Assumption junction: Calling Apple a religion has no function

The Macalope isn’t going to lie to you, he ran out of clever introductions for these “Apple is a religion” pieces about three years ago. Well, if he ever had any, that is.

Writing for The Guardian, John Naughton says ”If Steve Jobs’s death didn’t ruin Apple, the iCar surely will.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Christopher Cowan.)

Let’s just take the first half of that headline so we don’t rupture the hernias of our minds trying to lift so much wacko. Presumably, some believe that Steve Jobs’s death, ahem, ruined Apple. Apparently this is a thing that is debated. That Apple has been ruined or is in ruins.

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Express yourself: But why does it always have to be about Apple?

Before reading today's column, be forewarned that the Apple atrocity outlined is not for the faint of heart. Children, pregnant women, meninists and others with a delicate nature should leave the room while this is read.

"apple’s most personal device forces us all to speak the same" (no link, but tip o' the antlers to Elevated Equines)

No, the Macalope's shift key is not broken, that's the point of The Verge's Sam Byford in this piece which is subtitled:

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A broken record: Marketshare predictions continue to be dumb

Look out, Apple! IDC says you're headed for a fall! And they would know because they've been making up future market share numbers for years.

MarketWatch's Jennifer Booton explains "Why Apple’s iOS will be less dominant in 5 years." (Tip o' the antlers to @JonyIveParody.)

Answer: Because someone made a spreadsheet that says so. These numbers don't lie. They're wrong all the time, but they don't lie. There's a difference.

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Leading indicators: Ads must mean a product is tanking

Apple has decided not to report Apple Watch sales figures, but if you're clever, you can find any number of reasons to say that they must be lackluster.

Writing for 24/7 Wall Street, Douglas A. McIntyre wonders aloud, "Why Does Apple Bother to Advertise Its Watch?" (tip o' the antlers to Dan Frakes and Ken Segall who handily performs his own takedown.)

Oh, it's probably not selling well. Seems obvious, right? Must be because it's not selling well. No one's buying them. Why else would they advertise? No reason. Literally none.

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