Comparing Apples to lemons: Windows Phone beats Apple Watch

As the artist formerly known as Prince and who is possibly again known as Prince (who can keep up?) once wrote: Oh, no, let’s go crazy.

Writing for USA Today, Matt Krantz has really taken the words of His Royal Badness to heart. Aaaaand written something that is royally bad.

“Microsoft’s phone outsells Apple Watch” (tip o’ the antlers to @papanic)

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The Apple Watch secret: What Tim Cook doesn’t want you to know!

Apple reported its quarterly financial results this week, breaking out more detail that almost all of its competitors, but it failed to report specific Apple Watch unit sales and that makes pundits so mad.

Writing for Bloomberg, repeat offender Leonid Bershidsky knows Why Apple Is Afraid to Reveal Watch Numbers (tip o’ the antlers to John Parkinson).

Apple has grown afraid of its own long shadow.

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Not exactly missing it: Apple’s quarterly results

Apple announced its quarterly results this week and it’s like waking up to Sonny and Cher singing “I’ve got you, babe!” Despite selling a ridiculous number of iPhones, Apple didn’t sell enough according to Wall Street because analysts thought they’d sell even more iPhones. 35 percent growth is apparently not enough to feed the maw of the mindless beast that controls our economy.

Let’s go to Bloomberg for the most on-point explanation of the quarterly failure to appease the Gods by jumping into this lava pit of the vanities. To be honest, there are at least a dozen pieces that are about as bad. The only reason the Macalope picked Bloomberg is, well, someone has to pay.

“Apple IPhone [sic] Shipments, Revenue Forecast Miss Estimates”

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Highly skeptical: Slapping apps on the Watch

There are so very many ways the Apple Watch is a major disappointment and on Monday, writing for the New York Times, Brian X. Chen brought us yet another.

(The “X” is for “I’m not the New York Times technology reporter who said the Apple Watch would give you wrist cancer, that was the other one.”)

“Apple Waits as App Developers Study Who’s Buying Its Watch” (tip o’ the antlers to Lacy Negligence)

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Missing all the signs: Desperately seeking a Watch flop

Guess what? Turns out it’s easy to make the Apple Watch into a flop if you set completely unrealistic expectations and ignore any warning signs.

Writing for Fast Company, Mark Wilson phrases that slightly differently: “The Apple Watch Is Doing Splendidly If You Completely Lower Your Expectations For Apple” (tip o’ the antlers to JoAnn Welsh)

Well, lowering them from “impossible” is still lowering them so, yes. We agree.

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Minor details: Who’s deriding the Apple Watch

We have to credit Apple. Not only has it created a nice smartwatch, it’s also created a whole cottage industry in how to hype other things by deriding the Apple Watch.

Writing for Fortune Magazine and hyping their “Brainstorm Tech” conference, Cliff Leaf wonders aloud “Is Apple Watch a Design Flop?” (No link, but a tip o' the antlers to Andrew Zoll.)

Just askin’ is all.

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Paling in comparison: The Apple Watch and Google Glass

Presumably it is possible to write a piece about the Apple Watch that does not make bombastic, over-the-top statements about its doom based on virtually nothing but the feelings of certain members of the technology punditry corps, but why would you?

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and helper monkey retirement community, Gene Marks explains “Why The Apple Watch Debut Is Worse For Apple Than Glass Was For Google” (no link, but a tip o’ the antlers to Ty Belisle)

Gene, honey, don’t.

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