Nobody cares: A horror show of opinions we can live without

As there seems to be a temporary break in the deluge of insanity that is modern commentary on Apple, let us look back through the Macalope’s open Safari tabs and see if there’s anything lurking like a poltergeist-controlled clown in a dark closet that the horny one might have neglected over the past weeks.

Ah! Yes, here we go.

”Apple Inc. Co-Founder Steve Wozniak: Apple Watch Will Flop” (tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody)

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Pointless gyrations: Comparisons that don't make sense

Welcome to this week's edition of Non Sequitur Theater! I'm your host, the Macalope, and this week's forced attempt to put two things together that don't belong comes to us from Bloomberg's Mark Milian.

"Apple Watch May Be Winning the Hype Battle, but Samsung's Galaxy S6 Is Off to a Strong Start" (tip o' the antlers to Mark Sobkowicz)

Also, in another sign of bad news for the Apple Watch, people keep buying jerky. Did you know there's teriyaki jerky now? Not only that, there's teriyaki turkey jerky. Surely the Apple Watch can't compete with that. It's fun to just say it, for crying out loud. Imagine what it's like to put it into your mouth.

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The F-word: Obsessively calling the Watch a "flop"

What is it with the F-word? Pundits just can't stop themselves from applying it to the Apple Watch, even after it's backordered to June.

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and world's only corn palace made entirely of creamed corn, Bert Dohman asks "Will The Apple Watch Flop?" (Tip o' the antlers to @CaffeineAndHate.)

Remember, there are no stupid questions.

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Flub-a-dub-dub: Apple's Watch botch

Apple Watch preorders began last Friday and now for analysis seemingly written by single-celled organisms that subsist on Apple news, converting into nothing but pure negativity, let us turn to the Forbes contributor network.

”Did Apple Flub The Timing Of The Apple Watch?”

The precursor to Betteridge’s Law is Forbes law, which states that if you’re writing a negative piece on Apple based on cherry picking the bad parts of reviews of something you haven’t used, make the title a question because it absolves you of any responsibility.

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Knee-jerk reaction: How to ruin a point

The Macalope’s going to be honest with you: He’s simply run out of ways to introduce these “Apple is a religion” pieces. He’s only one mythical beast.

Writing for the Guardian, John Naughton explains ”Why Apple is the Toyota of hi-tech.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Evert Jan Boon.)

It’s a bit of an odd comparison, but his reasoning isn’t bad. Apple churns out a ton of product with remarkable efficiency. It does, however, manage to do so without the need for recalls, but the point about scale is sound enough. It’s the rest that’ll have you wondering if you’ll ever be able to love again.

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Mo' problems: Apple Pay is DOA

A priest, a rabbi, and a longshoreman walk into a pharmacy and try to use Apple Pay. They all leave because it’s completely broken and, also, they realize they’re in the wrong joke. They’re supposed to be walking into a bar.

Writing for The Motley Fool, Jeremy Bowman says ”Apple Pay’s Problems Are Bigger Than You Think” (tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody).


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