Ill omens: Over-reading the iPhone tea leaves

Much like the mystics of old, Wall Street analysts have to make do with the portents that are available to them.

Thusly, the analysts have entered the sacred cave, huffed the sacred air (5 percent oxygen, 80 percent natural gas, 15 percent bat guano), read the innards of a small beast (in this case a caddy from a Westchester country club who recommended a 9 iron in a sand trap 10 feet from the green) and the Wall Street Journal brings us their dire warnings:

“Signs Point to Underwhelming iPhone Sales for Apple, Analysts Say.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody.)

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Case closed: Apple’s dud might do alright

Apple released a new product last week so that means it's time to hear how far they’ve strayed from what it means to be Apple. Because if anyone knows what that is, it’s people who write on the Internet. It certainly isn’t Apple.

Writing for Slate, Will Oremus smacks Apple on the nose with a rolled up newspaper and says “Bad Apple.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Evert Jan Boon.)

That's OK. You know what they say about one bad apple.

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Big Win: Microsoft wins again

Once again we see that there is nothing Apple can have that Microsoft cannot take away. If you believe that Indiana Jones is a documentary.

Writing for the C.H.U.D. and Morlock TED conference that is Business Insider, Matt Weinberger claims “Microsoft just beat Apple to the punch in a big way.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Brian.)

And what is this devastating blow that will shake Cupertino to its very foundation?

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All wrong, all the time: History is unkind to Apple doom predictions

It is time to take a break from busting our collective guts laughing at things pundits are saying right now about Apple. Instead, let us look back and re-bust those very same collective guts over things pundits previously said about Apple that time has been unkind to, much like the Macalope was.

Let’s start with Apple Maps.

“Apple Maps, once a laughingstock, now dominates iPhones”

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