The outrage gap: How Apple always gets top billing

Attention pundits! Your Apple bias is showing. First, in outrage over bendable iPhones, then in a matter of security. Then we learn what Steve Jobs would have thought about Apple’s new product names. From some dude.

Getting bent

Writing for the Huffington Post, Shelly Palmer unleashes a charming euphemism to describe how Apple is treating its customers.

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Not breaking news: Smartphone subsidies are just a fact of modern life

Hey, you all know how phone “subsidies” work, right? You pay a reduced up-front charge for the phone so they can rope you into a contract, blah, blah, blah. That’s not surprising in 2014, is it?

It used to be surprising. Here’s the Macalope, five years ago when AT&T customers were first figuring this out:

[It] isn’t a “subsidy” by the traditional definition. It’s a loan. AT&T is loaning you the money to buy an iPhone and you’re signing a contract to pay it off over the next 18 months. If you decide you want out of your loan, you have to pay a buyout.

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Exactly backwards: Apple's security statement is more a PR coup than a nightmare

Once again it is time to play: Willfully Obtuse or Really That Clueless?! Why is it always so hard to tell?

Writing for Business Insider, James Cook goes all-in on the police’s side of the story on smartphone encryption. Surely in this environment of concern about government spying on citizens and the militarization of the police, there’s nothing to be lost by taking the anti-privacy, pro-police side. That’s just common sense. After all, if you have nothing to hide...

“POLICE: ‘Apple Will Become The Phone Of Choice For The Pedophile’” (tip o’ the antlers to ghibby!)

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Just your typical launch: Apple sells lots of devices, pundits see doom

Apple had yet another terrific launch weekend, selling 10 million iPhone 6 and 6 Pluses. So, let’s of course obsess over what went wrong. First, you know Apple’s got problems because this guy on the TV said they do. Then we’ll thrill to the tale of the guy who might return his iPhone 6! Finally, if you can compile a list of things wrong with Apple, well, then you know things are really bad.

The guy on TV says

If we’re going to get to the root of Apple’s problem (shh, just play along), how better to do it than to get some guy we’ve never heard of to talk about the company for a couple of minutes on TV? Fortunately, Bloomberg has you covered with this interview with author Milo Yiannopoulos.

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Unfair comparisons: stacking the iPhone against every Android phone feature

Fall is here and, in preparation for winter, the Macalope is stacking silly pundit tricks to burn for warmth. Here’s a fun silly pundit trick: expecting the iPhone to have every feature of every Android phone across the entirety of the Android ecosystem.

Writing for The Mirror, Trevor Davies knows the score on the iPhone 6.

"iPhone 6 – Don't believe the hype as Apple fans flock to buy the new mobile" (tip o' the antlers to @JonyIveParody and David Cutter)

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Androidsplainin': iPhone haters miss the point again

Hey, kids, by the old clock on the wall, the Macalope sees it’s time for another condescending explanation of how lame the iPhone is from an Android fan! By which the Macalope means that the hands on the clock are pointing at any combination of numbers whatsoever.

Writing for the Los Angeles Times, Joel Silberman ”Sorry, Apple fanatics, but the new iPhones aren’t exceptional” (tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody)

It’s happening again.

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Standard reactions

There are certain standard reactions that occur when Apple makes big announcements. The first is to explain how those announcements doom Apple (even if that explanation completely contradicts an argument you'd made previously). The second is to throw a bunch of religious references into your piece. Everyone loves those. The third is to just write some clickbait.

Bigger. Bigger. Nope, too big.

You guys. You guys. Hey, you guys. You're not going to believe this. Business Insider has made an astonishing discovery. It turns out (turns out) that larger phones are...

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