Past tense: All about the Apple Watch failure

The moment you’ve been waiting for is over.

Writing for Tech-something-or-other, noted Big Mouth Billy Bass owner and president of The Hat Squad fan club, Rob Enderle, is here to tell us “Why the Apple Watch Failed” (no link, but a tip o’ the antlers to Todd Wells).

Rob is very comfortable using the past tense here as the Apple Watch has been out for two months now and has not immediately sold as many units as the iPhone. And, having previously said the Dell Streak was better than the iPad and iPhone, he knows how to pick a winner.

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Survey fever: Don’t catch it

True story: If you go to your dictionary app right now and look up “gullible”, there’s a picture of a tech reporter.

The Macalope has railed against the ridiculous use of surveys since the dawn of time. Or, well, at least 2006. And somehow it never seems to stop. A new survey comes out and it doesn’t matter if it’s of 11 people, it’ll be used to predict Apple doom. And when the Macalope says 11 people, he mean exactly 11 people. Pretty soon we’re going to get down to a report noting that “Earl and Karl hanging out in front of the Tastee Freeze do not plan on buying an Apple Watch.”

CNBC frets “Is interest in the Apple Watch dissipating?” (tip o’ the antlers to JoAnn Welsh and AppleInsider)

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You’re doing it wrong: A negative Watch review, hold the hate

The Macalope’s been blasting his anti-Watch diatribe zone pretty hard over the last few months and it’s really starting to show. He’s never looked more fit.

But his personal trainer and life coach, Esteban, recently suggested he’s been neglecting his logicus maximus. It lacks tone and groans at the slightest strain. Fortunately, it turns out there are opinion pieces about the Apple Watch that are negative without being completely jacktastic. Take this piece by Evan Niu at Money.

“Why I’m Returning My Apple Watch”

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The exploding dud: Not liking the Apple Watch doesn’t make it a failure

Another day, another Apple Watch review by someone who seemed destined to hate it. Well, who else are you going to get to review it, really?

This time it’s Inc.’s John Brandon who explains ”Why the Apple Watch is a ‘Newton-Like’ Failure” (tip o’ the antlers to Shawn King).

The Newton was a failure. Apple made the Newton. Apple makes the Watch. Brandon does not like the Watch. QED.

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Futile exercises: The Apple Watch is bad at what it’s not designed to do

It is literally as if editors across the nation scoured their newsrooms for the person most likely to hate the Apple Watch and assigned them to review it.

Writing for Slate, Seth Stevenson says “I Double-Apple Dare You” (tip o’ the antlers to @papanic).

It’s a little unclear what that’s supposed to mean other than some weird jab at Apple, but the slug is somewhat more informative:

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