The impossible dream: Reviewing products that don't exist

It is the technology punditry business's solemn promise to you that every Apple product come pre-reviewed so that you know what a tremendous failure it will be. To that end, ZDNet's James Kendrick is here to tell you "Why the iPad Pro will flop, if it's really coming." (Tip o' the antlers to Neil Weinstock.)

You really don't even need to read the article. Well, you don't because that's what the Macalope is here for. To suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous Apple analysis. Remember, he's getting paid to do this, even if it's in alfalfa. There's no reason for you to do it.

Now, the Macalope hasn't met Kendrick, but he hears he's a very nice guy. He probably is. Sometimes bad articles happen to the fingers of nice people. Idle hands are Rob Enderle's workshop. Or something like that. The horny one doesn't know how it works since he's got hooves, but it's clearly some form of possession. That's the only rational explanation.

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Stupid games: Fun with estimates

Bad news for Apple (a-gain). Some analyst adjusted his own numbers based on, well, let's say voodoo. It's not literally voodoo, but it might as well be.

Business Insider reports "There is 'lackluster interest' in the Apple Watch, says UBS." (Tip o' the antlers to @JonyIveParody.)

If you were wondering on what analysts base their far-fetched numbers of how many Watches Apple might sell, it's search activity. That is why so many analysts have said Apple will sell exactly "cute cat pictures" of Apple Watches.

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Bogus analogies: Glass and Watch are not the same

For this week’s lesson in false equivalencies, let’s go to the Forbes contributor network and home for helper monkey school dropouts. Ian Altman wants to explain “Why Google Glass Failed And Why Apple Watch Could Too.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody.)

“Could.” OK. It’s possible. But the thing is, Glass isn’t really a good case study for the Apple Watch for a lot of reasons. For example, did you know you don’t wear watches on your face? It’s true. Also, the Watch isn’t a threat to be taking video or snapshots of people at any given moment, inasmuch as it doesn’t take video or snapshots. So a lot of the social objections that dropped Glass like an overweight boxer just aren’t a problem for the Watch.

Just to be clear, Google Glass didn’t fail because of the technology, rather because it wasn’t clear to the customer what problem it solved or why they needed it.

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Inverse relationship: Apple Watch doom watch

Good news, everyone! Analysts predict doom for the Apple Watch! This is obviously good news because analysts have predicted doom for every Apple product, chances are it's a key indicator it'll be another success.

Esquire's Jill Krasny has the details in the delightfully titled "Experts Say the Apple Watch Is Doomed to Fail." (Tip o' the antlers to @Hazbro.)

Are you ready for the reason? You might think you are, but have you done those special exercises the Macalope gave you? Are you sufficiently hydrated? Have you made your peace with whatever gods you worship?

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