Paling in comparison: The Apple Watch and Google Glass

Presumably it is possible to write a piece about the Apple Watch that does not make bombastic, over-the-top statements about its doom based on virtually nothing but the feelings of certain members of the technology punditry corps, but why would you?

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and helper monkey retirement community, Gene Marks explains “Why The Apple Watch Debut Is Worse For Apple Than Glass Was For Google” (no link, but a tip o’ the antlers to Ty Belisle)

Gene, honey, don’t.

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Unreality check: The made-up case against Tim Cook

Can you believe Tim Cook is still CEO of Apple? Man, how many times does this guy have to screw up to get fired?

Writing for The Huffington Post (motto: “Come for the Apple bashing, stay for ‘Here’s What Happens When You Put Canned Ravioli In 2,000-Degree Lava’”), Bill Robinson has Tim Cook all figured out.

“AppleWatch: Android Clobbering iPhone & Cook’s Short Slide to Insignifigance” (no link, but a tip o’ the antlers to @kindaran and Peter Ryan)

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The expectation game: Subjectively dismissing the Apple Watch

Thinking of writing a piece about how the Apple Watch has let us all down? It’s easy! Just type up your opinions as fact.

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and broken-down animatronic bear jamboree, Chander Chawla explains “Why Apple Watch And Fitbit Will Not Meet Expectations” (no link, but a tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody)

Whose expectations? These and many other questions—such as “What did we do to deserve reading this?”—will never get answered.

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Past tense: All about the Apple Watch failure

The moment you’ve been waiting for is over.

Writing for Tech-something-or-other, noted Big Mouth Billy Bass owner and president of The Hat Squad fan club, Rob Enderle, is here to tell us “Why the Apple Watch Failed” (no link, but a tip o’ the antlers to Todd Wells).

Rob is very comfortable using the past tense here as the Apple Watch has been out for two months now and has not immediately sold as many units as the iPhone. And, having previously said the Dell Streak was better than the iPad and iPhone, he knows how to pick a winner.

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Survey fever: Don’t catch it

True story: If you go to your dictionary app right now and look up “gullible”, there’s a picture of a tech reporter.

The Macalope has railed against the ridiculous use of surveys since the dawn of time. Or, well, at least 2006. And somehow it never seems to stop. A new survey comes out and it doesn’t matter if it’s of 11 people, it’ll be used to predict Apple doom. And when the Macalope says 11 people, he mean exactly 11 people. Pretty soon we’re going to get down to a report noting that “Earl and Karl hanging out in front of the Tastee Freeze do not plan on buying an Apple Watch.”

CNBC frets “Is interest in the Apple Watch dissipating?” (tip o’ the antlers to JoAnn Welsh and AppleInsider)

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