Mo' problems: Apple Pay is DOA

A priest, a rabbi, and a longshoreman walk into a pharmacy and try to use Apple Pay. They all leave because it’s completely broken and, also, they realize they’re in the wrong joke. They’re supposed to be walking into a bar.

Writing for The Motley Fool, Jeremy Bowman says ”Apple Pay’s Problems Are Bigger Than You Think” (tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody).

HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE THE MACALOPE ALREADY THINKS THEY’RE SO BIG.

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Declining up: Apple's slow slide to success

Before we begin with today’s deconstruction, the Macalope must warn you that children, pregnant women, men and others with sensitive natures may find the arguments presented today to be disturbing and ulcer-causing. Reader discretion is advised.

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and small animal rodeo, Peter Cohan continues to be Peter Cohan.

”Stanford Lecturer On Apple’s Innovation Drought”

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Reading comprehension: Misunderstanding Apple surveys continues apace

Another survey about Apple is out so you know what that means: It’s time to misinterpret it.

Writing for the collection of circus poodles jumping through hoops that has the oddly inaccurate name of Business Insider, Jillian D’Onfro says ”Apple Pay has been a ‘disappointment’ to nearly half its users.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody.)

Oh, no! That would certainly be terrible if that were at all what this survey showed! Good thing it doesn’t. Kind of dodged an imaginary bullet there. Phew.

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A mixed bag: Choice is good, but it's not always better

People love choice, right? Give the option between not having choice and having choice, one would always choose choice, right? Because it’s always better to be able to choose between 70 crappy things than get one good one.

Hey, wait a minute...

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and monkey grooming service, Brooke Crothers asks ”Windows 10 or OS X: Can Hardware Make the Difference?” (tip o’ the antlers to Rajesh)

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Book club: Beating up Apple execs over their book picks

Get your torches and pitchforks, because Apple executives have expressed their opinions on things! Turns out, there are some books they like and other books that they (are you sitting down?) don’t like.

NOT COOL, APPLE EXECUTIVES.

Both Slate and Salon rushed to the fore to decry Apple’s draconian religious edicts something something holy scripture according to Jobs blah blah Eucharist is another religious word yadda yadda Last Supper wocka wocka proscriptions against eating pork and shellfish etc. etc. I should not write these before lunch [clown horn].

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The anti-Beatitudes: Calling Apple a religion

Put on your special underwear and get ready to cut a goat! No, not because our Apple religion calls us to those practices but because arguing Apple is a religion just drives a Macalope to do some crazy stuff.

This haranguing of the Apple masses is brought to us by Emma-Kate Symons writing at Quartz about ”The canonization of St. Steve of Cupertino” (tip o’ the antlers to Rajesh)

Warning: The first five rows will get sprayed in the face with a firehose full of hackneyed religious references! Aaaand all the rest of the rows, too.

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