Futile exercises: The Apple Watch is bad at what it’s not designed to do

It is literally as if editors across the nation scoured their newsrooms for the person most likely to hate the Apple Watch and assigned them to review it.

Writing for Slate, Seth Stevenson says “I Double-Apple Dare You” (tip o’ the antlers to @papanic).

It’s a little unclear what that’s supposed to mean other than some weird jab at Apple, but the slug is somewhat more informative:

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Macbeth syndrome: Killing the Mac won't stop the voices

Before we begin, please extinguish all cigarettes and put your tray tables in their upright and locked position. Because you're going to want to jam that cigarette in your eye and hit your head against the tray table when you read the "modest" suggestion of the Wall Street Journal's Christopher Mims.

"Why Apple Should Kill Off the Mac" (No link, but tip o' the antlers to @lvdjgarcia and Joanna Stern)

The Macalope is going to go ahead and say that this is a terrible idea and not just because he has a head shaped like a Classic Mac.

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The replacements: Apple is not a game of fantasy baseball

Serial clown car driver, occupant and repair man Peter Cohan is back at the Forbes “contributor” network asking the tough questions about Apple. (The Macalope always puts “contributor” in quotes because it’s really unclear what it is they’re supposedly contributing.) Wait, did the Macalope say “tough”? He meant crazy. He gets those confused sometimes because some of these questions are so crazy they’re tough to type out with your fingers. The body resists.

“Should Apple Replace Tim Cook With Reed Hastings?” (no link, not even an indirect one, but tip o’ the antlers to Neil Weinstock)

Should Forbes replace its “contributor” network with a pack of angry howler monkeys? It’d be cheaper and no one would notice the difference.

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Striking twice: Yet another breakup note to the Apple Watch

Ohhh, yay, another breakup letter to the Apple Watch. It’s about time the New York Times got into the overused construction business. It’s been almost a month since our last breakup note to the Apple Watch so the Macalope was starting to get withdrawal shakes.

”Why I’m Breaking Up With the Apple Watch” (tip o’ the antlers to Paul Corneau)

It’s not like this genre has already been established as kind of creepy and definitely hackneyed. Nope. Fire away, Vanessa Friedman.

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Problem time: Things are only an issue when Apple gets involved

As was widely expected, Apple announced a[nother] streaming music service yesterday. So, in the tradition of great Marvel team additions we say "Welcome, Apple Music, we hope you survive the experience."

Also, we must point out that Apple is the worst thing ever and is destroying our digital freedoms.

"Apple Music and the terrible return of DRM" (tip o' the antlers to @papanic)

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Air puppets: Apple punditry's tiresome trio

Dvorak. Enderle. Lyons. More logic has been lost in the triangle created by these three men than in all the unexplained plot holes in The X-Files, Lost and alt.starwarsstartrekcrossover.fanfic combined.

We'll kick it off with John C. Dvorak. (The "C." is for "Clownish arguments". His parents just had a feeling.)

Not even in a piece lambasting Google's new Photos service (tip o' the antlers to Elevated Equines) can Dvorak resist taking a nonsensical jab at Mac users because... well, why does a fish swim or a bird fly? Because they have an irrational hatred of the water and the air, that's why.

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The comeback kid: Always bet on Black... Berry

The Macalope does not offer investment advice as he is not a licensed investment professional and has not huffed the requisite amounts of nitrous oxide as required by law. Presumably that's what people who give investment advice do, or how else could we explain this piece on the Motley Fool by Robert Baillieul:

"Forget Apple Inc.: 1 Reason to Buy Blackberry Ltd. Instead" (tip o' the antlers to @JonyIveParody)

Is it having consumed lead paint chips as a child? Is it a massive head injury? A desire to become more zen by shedding yourself of worldly possessions? Maybe it's simply self-loathing. There could be so many reasons. It's hard to pick just one.

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