Oh, oh, oh, it’s magic: Conjuring up Apple doom

What’s that sound? It’s the dulcet tones of the LOL Orchestra playing as The Next Web’s Bryan Clark tells us how “We’ve reached – maybe passed – peak Apple: Why the narrative needs to change.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody, @jonnikuest, Paul South, @TangentWorlds, Justin Davis and Wes Kroesbergen.)

Last month, Apple’s latest earnings call announced its “most successful year ever.” The numbers were reported, the stories were spun and Wall Street basically anointed Apple the god of capitalism.

But where there’s smoke, there are mirrors.

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Underground fruit: Making Apple news with a minimum of ingredients

Slow news day on the Apple beat? That’s OK, because with a little gumption and some irate table flipping, you’ll find almost anything can be treated as newsworthy.

It’s not, of course, but you can treat it that way.

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and interpretive Dance Dance Revolution school, Gordon Kelly rages against the Apple update machine.

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Retroactive disaster: Not even math can save the Apple Watch

You know that Apple Watch on your arm? What if the Macalope told you you don’t own an Apple Watch? You never bought one. It’s not even on your arm.

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and manufactured hysteria machine, Theo Priestley asks the decidedly non-musical question “Does An Apple Watch Discount Point To Flagging Sales Numbers?” (Tip o’ the antlers to Elevated Equines.)

Do you even have to ask?

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Distrusted commentary: You can’t un-burn a bridge

The Macalope always thought he got British satire — The Argument Sketch, The Office, the Tony Blair administration — but he’s not sure he gets this one from Britain’s The Guardian.

“Apple spins impressive narrative of success, but are there holes in the story?” (Tip o’ the antlers to Michael Valkenberg)

Now, see if you can guess who wrote this particular column.

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Road to nowhere: Apple car not required

Forget about an Apple Car, everyone, because it turns out that making a car is difficult and everything is just fine in the car industry so it’s not needed. The Macalope is sure no one will be more relieved than Apple that it can go back to making its little gadgets.

Writing for The Columbus Dispatch, Bree Fowler warns that“Google, Apple face rocky road if they try to become automakers.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody.)

Ah, so it’s nothing but chocolate and more chocolate and marshmallows and no, that’s not what Fowler means. No, what Fowler means is that auto executives are in a phase between “denial” and “anger” called “denger,” in which one angrily expresses one’s denial to the press so the rest of us have something to laughingly quote in 15 years.

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Headline skewing: Apple Music gets graded on a curve

There are four possible things one could say about Apple Music, ranging from it being a total success to a partial success to a partial failure and finally, well, the thing that ends up in the headline.

Writing for Slate, Jordan Weissmann asks “Is Apple Music a Total Failure?” (Tip o’ the antlers to Tay Bass.)

Indeed! Such are the quintessential questions of our times. “Is [insert whatever product Apple recently shipped] a Total Failure?”

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