Bogus analogies: Glass and Watch are not the same

For this week’s lesson in false equivalencies, let’s go to the Forbes contributor network and home for helper monkey school dropouts. Ian Altman wants to explain “Why Google Glass Failed And Why Apple Watch Could Too.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody.)

“Could.” OK. It’s possible. But the thing is, Glass isn’t really a good case study for the Apple Watch for a lot of reasons. For example, did you know you don’t wear watches on your face? It’s true. Also, the Watch isn’t a threat to be taking video or snapshots of people at any given moment, inasmuch as it doesn’t take video or snapshots. So a lot of the social objections that dropped Glass like an overweight boxer just aren’t a problem for the Watch.

Just to be clear, Google Glass didn’t fail because of the technology, rather because it wasn’t clear to the customer what problem it solved or why they needed it.

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Inverse relationship: Apple Watch doom watch

Good news, everyone! Analysts predict doom for the Apple Watch! This is obviously good news because analysts have predicted doom for every Apple product, chances are it's a key indicator it'll be another success.

Esquire's Jill Krasny has the details in the delightfully titled "Experts Say the Apple Watch Is Doomed to Fail." (Tip o' the antlers to @Hazbro.)

Are you ready for the reason? You might think you are, but have you done those special exercises the Macalope gave you? Are you sufficiently hydrated? Have you made your peace with whatever gods you worship?

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Missing the point: Analyzing a thing you haven't used

Just a thought, but if you're going to write opinion pieces on the Apple Watch when you haven't tried one yet, you might want to familiarize yourself with the writing of people who actually have.

Or not, whatever. Writing for the Forbes contributor network and unaccredited lawnmower maintenance academy, Erik Kain wonders "Will The Apple Watch Push The Boundaries Of Good Manners?" (Tip o' the antlers to ghibby!)

More than the Forbes contributor network already has? Not sure that's possible. It's an interesting thought experiment in a "Could God make a boulder so big even he couldn't move it?" kind of way.

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Nobody cares: A horror show of opinions we can live without

As there seems to be a temporary break in the deluge of insanity that is modern commentary on Apple, let us look back through the Macalope’s open Safari tabs and see if there’s anything lurking like a poltergeist-controlled clown in a dark closet that the horny one might have neglected over the past weeks.

Ah! Yes, here we go.

”Apple Inc. Co-Founder Steve Wozniak: Apple Watch Will Flop” (tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody)

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Pointless gyrations: Comparisons that don't make sense

Welcome to this week's edition of Non Sequitur Theater! I'm your host, the Macalope, and this week's forced attempt to put two things together that don't belong comes to us from Bloomberg's Mark Milian.

"Apple Watch May Be Winning the Hype Battle, but Samsung's Galaxy S6 Is Off to a Strong Start" (tip o' the antlers to Mark Sobkowicz)

Also, in another sign of bad news for the Apple Watch, people keep buying jerky. Did you know there's teriyaki jerky now? Not only that, there's teriyaki turkey jerky. Surely the Apple Watch can't compete with that. It's fun to just say it, for crying out loud. Imagine what it's like to put it into your mouth.

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The F-word: Obsessively calling the Watch a "flop"

What is it with the F-word? Pundits just can't stop themselves from applying it to the Apple Watch, even after it's backordered to June.

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and world's only corn palace made entirely of creamed corn, Bert Dohman asks "Will The Apple Watch Flop?" (Tip o' the antlers to @CaffeineAndHate.)

Remember, there are no stupid questions.

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