Onion Microfiche Headline Reader

You are clearly a busy person, otherwise, you wouldn’t have such an important phone. How is a person like you supposed to take the time to take in the important news of yesterday that will give you a competitive edge in the marketplace?

The Onion has the solution.

The Onion Microfiche™ application uses digital-capture technology to put a world of previously hard-to-find headlines at your fingertips. Scroll through dozens, hundreds, even thousands of breaking news and ticker headlines that have appeared in America’s Finest News Source. View the most recent or a random set. Mark your favorites. Share them with your friends via email, Twitter, or Facebook.

All this functionality comes in a simulation of analog microfiche technology, making it so simple that even the simple-headed Luddite can use it.