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1. For the first time since Steve Jobs returned, Apple won't report a quarterly profit. Let's address the problem rationally -- clearly, that damn G4 Cube is some sort of evil curse.

2. Regulators give the AOL and Time Warner merger the go-ahead. As part of the merger, the Atlanta Braves will now do all their postseason choking online.

3. Intuit's online version of QuickBooks isn't compatible with the Mac. Helpful Intuit executives suggest Mac users try logging on to www.tough-luck-suckers.com.

4. Bill Gates asks the FCC to investigate America Online's dominance in instant messaging. "What kind of monstrous company gives away an application for free?" Gates demands.

5. Steve Jobs says Apple missed the boat on CD-RW drives. "And I shouldn't have bought that Betamax VCR back in 1980," he adds.

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