A Macworld Expo without a Steve Jobs keynote is like a Super Bowl without an Up With People halftime show. But getting into the Jacob Javits Center to hear Jobs' state-of-the-Mac address could prove to be one of the toughest tickets in town. But if you can't get to New York -- or if you just can't wait until Wednesday -- never fear. With the help of Mac-powered technology, we've created the Steve Jobs Keynote Generator. Just a few clicks of your mouse, and you've got yourself a speech, suitable for wowing Macworld Expo crowds of all sizes. It's just like being Apple CEO yourself. Only without the private jet.
Hello. I'm Steve Jobs, the CEO iCEO Big Kahuna iBig Kahuna raison d'étre svengali guy who sweeps up at Apple, and it's a pleasure to be here with you all today. We've just completed another great insanely great super insanely great splendiferous quarter, and we think the good times will continue the end is nigh the earth is flat nothing's better than a cold drink on a hot day . Just a few years ago, Apple was on the ropes in the dumps on the lam run by gibbons a great place to meet chicks . But thanks to new products bolder costumes me a trio of meddling kids the power of booze such as the iMac iCards the Applemobile my personal line of clothing , we've turned things around. Now Apple is in the chips fat and happy run by gibbons closed by health officials receiving alien transmissions . Last quarter, we sold 1 million a baker's dozen more than one not a single iMacs. And of the people who bought a new iMac, more than two-thirds were on the Internet on the phone with tech support sending out spam downloading porn certifiably insane on the very first day. We think numbers like that speak for themselves are awfully pretty confuse and mystify you build up a man-sized thirst sound better in the original Latin . And after you see what we have in store today, we hope you'll agree spend money like drunken sailors applaud enthusiastically burn our competitors to a cinder be very, very afraid cry like a baby do the Hokey Pokey and turn yourself around .
So what's next for Apple? I'm pleased to announce that a beta version of Mac OS X has been finished terminated misplaced stolen sold to Microsoft shot into space . Now Mac users finally can enjoy an operating system that features pre-emptive multitasking won't crash like a Soviet space station doesn't leave a coal aftertaste sports pulsating buttons causes seizures in young children runs a remorseless killing machine . Soon, we'll have plenty of new applications gadgets unfounded accusations hymns bitter recriminations to run on Mac OS X. This totally changes things makes me tear up wreaks a terrible vengeance upon the non-believers will cause a widespread panic for Apple and the Macintosh.
But that's not all. I'd like to unveil a faster iMac a multiprocessor Mac this cheese platter a monument to my brilliance my evil twin brother, Kenny , which will be available now later when we're damned good and ready .
Oh, and one more thing! Apple plans to release this Apple-branded Palm flesh-eating virus pack of hounds heavy, jagged rock targeted at low-end consumers folks with money to burn those of you not clapping loudly enough Bill Gates . And don't expect us to rest on our laurels. Apple has big plans, starting with OS X-ready software the overthrow of the U.S. government an Apple-branded McDonald's Happy Meal this tender ballad my pants . By the beginning of next year, you'll be able to enjoy a finished OS X ramped-up processor speeds a slew of New Year's Day bowl games my one-man show, "Give 'Em Hell Steve!" a glass of Avie Tevanian's famous egg nog , thanks to Apple's innovation tenacity pact with the Dark One beautiful singing voice girlish figure .
And before I forget leave to fight crime finish in under two hours , I'd like to bring out some key Apple developers the Steve Jobs dancers these Apple-branded killer robots my replacement, Britney Spears to talk about their commitment to the Mac me behind my back our generous stock option packages our favorite Peter Frampton songs early Victorian era literature .
So enjoy the show, and be sure to stop by our booth genuflect to me pay attention when I'm talking not talk with your mouth full pick up your free kitten have a song in your heart . Thank you, and good night godspeed please continue clapping beat it .