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As the Macalope’s lithesome and gracious readers know, we’ve been playing a little game called “Is It Competition Yet?” for more than a year, looking for a tablet that can hold a candle to the iPad. So far…well, let the Macalope review the list here…we have…uh, looks like bupkis.

To date, the message from consumers to other tablets has consistently been nobody likes you, everybody hates you, you should probably just go eat some worms (tip o’ the antlers to Thomas O Ernst).

According to a report issued on Wednesday, consumers who already own or plan to buy a new tablet are only interested in one thing: the Apple iPad.

This is probably really confusing for those who assumed that Android tablets would be as popular as Android smartphones. But it turns out what most people like about Android smartphones is…the phone. Take the phone out and “meh.”

Of those surveyed, 95 percent said they were interested in the iPad. The next highest response was for the TouchPad…at 10 percent.

Which, hey, is the same percentage of TouchPad inventory that’s been sold! (Tip o’ the antlers to Adrian Kingsley-Hughes.)

With HP set to report quarterly earnings tomorrow, sources familiar with the matter tell AllThingsD that TouchPad sales are failing yet another critical test: Sales at big-box consumer electronics retailer Best Buy.

According to one source who has seen internal HP reports, Best Buy has taken delivery of 270,000 TouchPads and has so far managed to sell only 25,000, or less than 10 percent of the units in its inventory.

Sweet, leafy alfalfa that’s bad.

As for the PlayBook, well, here’s the Macalope’s prediction from back in January.

The RIM PlayBook will be delayed and, when it ships, it will fail to find a constituency amongst RIM’s traditional corporate customer base.

And here’s today:

“It’s an interesting concept, it just hasn’t caught on with business customers,” Paget Alves, president of Sprint’s business markets group, told the Wall Street Journal in explaining Sprint’s decision not to carry the PlayBook.

For “interesting concept” read “I have no idea what those ridiculous puck-suckers in Waterloo were thinking.”

Dan Frommer thinks this pathetic performance by the iPad’s non-competitors might give Microsoft a chance to take second-place.

Microsoft tablets based on Windows 8 wonít be ready until next year. Unexpectedly, that might not be too late to matter.

Yes, Microsoft is still inexcusably tardy….

But what Microsoft didnít know—and couldn’t have planned for—is that all of the other iPad rivals would be flops.

So the no. 2 slot in the tablet market is still wide open, and might even be open a year from now.

Poor Microsoft! Always a tablet bridesmaid and never a tablet bride. Still, second place would be better than nothing. But can Microsoft jump ahead of the rest of this assorted collection of clowns, jokers and chowderheads? Oh, and wackadoodles. Sorry, RIM. Didn’t mean to leave you out.

The Macalope has serious doubts about Microsoft’s “full applications” vision for tablet computing, but it’s still got a year to make it work. Or change its mind.

Hey, hey, hey. Don’t laugh. It managed to think outside the box with Windows Phone 7.

Not that it’s done any good so far.

OK, maybe that’s a bad example.

[Editors’ Note: In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.]

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