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Behold! The Macalope has journeyed from afar (well, Twitter) to bring you the dumbest analysis you will read about the iPhone 4S!

Until tomorrow, when someone else will astound us by writing something dumber.

iPhone 4S Fortunes Linked to Steve Jobs’ Untimely Death? (Tip o’ the antlers to markbyrn again who, if he keeps this up, the Macalope is going to have acquire in order to lock up his biggest supplier.)

Looks like the International Business Times subtitle writer didn’t get the message of Jijo Jacob’s piece, though. But, to be fair, maybe he or she couldn’t bear reading it.

Loyal Apple Customers Drive iPhone 4S Sales Despite Steve Jobs’ Death

Your subtitle says “despite” but your stupid piece says “because of.”

iPhone 4S sales did not take a cue from Apple shares in the aftermath of Steve Jobs’ death. Apple Inc. has been expected to fare badly when Jobs finally disappeared…

By morons who don’t have the mental faculties to be grading primary-school math homework, let alone Apple.

Are loyal fans shoring up Job’s Apple dream and proclaiming the cult-like trust in the iProducts at a time of grief?

No! Because that’s idiotic!

When an Apple product sells well there’s always some reason for it other than “it’s just darn good.” It’s either “Apple has bewitched our young into buying its products by use of foul spells of marketing!” or “LOL stoopid Apple fanbois buy anything Steve Jobs tells them to LOL.”

According to telecom Analyst Foad Fadaghi, the demand is driven mainly by loyal Apple customers, and not by any massive exodus from Android phone owners. “While the 4S might not win over non-Apple users that are waiting for unique features or design, demand from existing users is enough to make it a top selling smartphone in 2011,” he told

With customer satisfaction numbers like Apple’s, “loyal Apple customers” is basically synonymous with “anyone who’s owned an Apple product.” But it’s dismissive-riffic!

Months of rumination over the arrival of a drastically redesigned iPhone had reached fever pitch by then and the announcement of iPhone 4S underwhelmed the tech world and doused the fires of expectation.

As Horace Dediu said on the 5by5 Let’s Talk iPhone special:

If they’re disappointed it means that Apple is not dealing with the high end of the market, and that means they’re dealing with the middle and the low end—which is actually where the sweet spot is—and that they should be paying attention. It’s almost as if, if people are disappointed in the keynote, it’s a perfect counter-indicator of success. I used to kind of joke and say every time when I see a blogger complain about Apple, a cash register somewhere in an Apple Store rings.

Fadaghi doesn’t see it that way. To him, it’s all about fanboys. Non-Apple users are waiting for unique features or design. “Loyal Apple customers” are just going to buy whatever Apple pushes out, no matter what kind of utter disappointment it is.

But now, dear readers, it’s time to play the new online game that’s sweeping the nation: “Parse This!” In “Parse This!” we take difficult to parse paragraphs and wonder what the heck is going on, and what went wrong in our lives that we’re stuck reading this crap!

The way Apple shares responded to the Tuesday announcement of iPhone 4S was symbolic. The stocks lost 5 per cent though it recouped some losses later on. It eventually ended lower.

Wha-huh? Lower than what? If one read that fast one might think that Jacob was saying Apple’s stock ended down more than 5 percent. In fact, the stock ended that day down a measley half a percent. Yes, investors were that worried. Or taking that much profit. Or that concerned about the economy. Or that much mistaken in thinking they were actually selling shares of Applebee’s.

If they were concerned, they don’t seem to be anymore. As of yesterday afternoon, Apple’s stock was up from that closing figure by 4.3 percent. But that’s probably just Apple’s core base of fans propping the stock up or something.

Investors were spooked by Apple’s inability to deal a killer punch to Android…

Investors this dumb should not be allowed to trade stocks. Actually, they should probably have 24-hour care, because they’re in danger of hurting themselves with sharp objects.

…the seeming inability of Apple to put through a thoroughly redesigned iPhone in time and the prospect of Steve Jobs never returning to the helm of affairs at the talismanic tech company.

If some investors were spooked by this, other smarter investors saw an opportunity to buy.

Steve Jobs’ death made for all Apple headlines in media, but iPhone 4S was quietly making inroads into the core of the Apple fan base.

Yes, let’s not lose sight of the main point here: only Apple’s core base of lunatic fans is buying the iPhone 4S. Got it. A million of them.

The Macalope’s confused, though. Are all the orders that Sprint gets from “the core of Apple’s fan base”? How does that work? Presumably these are core Apple fans switching from AT&T? But, then, how does one explain the fact that Apple sells more iPhones every day? Presumably, this is due to Apple fans mating with each other and making more core Apple fans. (HOT.)

Wow, business analysis is hard! Thank God we have publications like the International Business Times to help us out.

(Disclosure: the Macalope holds an insignificant number of Apple shares.)

[Editors’ Note: In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.]

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