The Macalope Daily: iPhone 4S disappoints

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Can we talk for a minute about what a fail this iPhone 4S is? Ugh, mega-fail. Total disappointment fest. Lackluster-o-rama. Lame-a-palooza.

Of course, we knew this when it when it was announced. Despite the fact that it had all the features we reasonably expected of an “iPhone 5,” it was in the same boring form factor as the iPhone 4 and the number “5” is literally nowhere on the device, which simply highlights the tremendosity of the über-fail we’re talking about.

But now we have actual proof of the failtastrophy.

Apple on Monday announced that it sold more than four million of its new iPhone 4S since the device went on sale on October 14.

Now, wait. Wait, wait, wait. The Macalope hears all you Apple fanbois getting ready to complain about how utterly spectacular that is, because the iPhone 4S clobbered sales of the iPhone 4 by an eye-popping 135 percent. And the iPhone 4 was the best selling smartphone! How is this a fail? And must you keep on with that overused expression that’s sooo 2005?

Well, you see, Apple acolyte, the answer to this is simple. As Paul Thurrott notes (tip o’ the antlers to Harry Marks):

Apple’s fans are more interested in spending money than they are with facts.

So true. Clearly the iPhone 4S is just another example of of a handful of 4 million Apple iZombies shuffling to the Apple store and mindlessly buying iPhones. Seen it a million times. Well, five.

Even if you think 4 million is still a lot no matter who they are, you’re clearly blinded by the gospel as told by Phil Schiller. See, It doesn’t matter how many units the iPhone 4S sold compared to the iPhone 4. What matters… what matters, Apple monkey, is how many units it would have sold if it had been the iPhone 5.

Using a back-of-the-napkin analysis, the Macalope estimates Apple would have sold, let’s see… carry the two… find the least squares… 47 million iPhone 5s compared to the 4 million iPhone 4Ss it sold.

That’s just an estimate, of course. It could have been more like 300 million. The most important take-away from this is that the iPhone 4S is a colossal Failzilla that is laying waste to Cupertino as we speak.

This would be a good time to go back and review the prophetic words of Gartner analyst C.K. Lu, quoted in Zach Epstein’s coverage of the iPhone 4S announcement which was aptly titled “Apple’s fall from grace.”

“Apple no longer has a leading edge, its cloud service is even behind Android; it can only sell on brand loyalty now,” Gartner analyst C.K. Lu told Reuters on Wednesday. “Users may wait to buy the next iPhone; if they can’t wait, they may shift to brands with more advanced specs.”

Oh, please, Apple nerd! Please don’t try to bring up the fact that it was Gartner that suggested Apple should get out of the hardware business just four years ago! Like that has any relevance here! You’re only putting your zealotry even more on display, if that’s possible.

Clearly we’re witnessing what Epstein called “the beginning of the end” for Apple. And just in time, too. The Macalope’s all out of religious metaphors.

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